Vent

• i fucking hate endocrinologists Nov 20, 2025 - 2 min read -
  Vent

  Today I woke up at like noon and stayed in bed until around 1:30. Every time I look into anything relating to hrt or any other kind of drug that’s supposed to help i feel like i’m being psyopped. There’s a few annecdotal cases of pioglitazone helping with fat distribution, but it might also kill breast development and it maybe also has like a 50/50 shot of giving you bladder cancer if taken in high doses or for longer than a year. It’s also diabetes medication so I literally don’t know what to think about it other than it would probably help but it might also fuck me up worse than i already am. I’ve also concluded that due to the fact that a) i was basically anorexic for a while from around like month 6 to month 14 and b) i was hondosed into oblivion for like two years when i first switched to injections, I’m probably just fucked forever. I didn’t masculinize at all, thankfully, but I think I’m fucked otherwise. My metabolism’s fucked to the point where I can’t lose weight unless I’m starving myself and bc of all that any fat distribution will always be androgenic, so basically I’m just absolutely fucked forever. I’ll be a twinkhon until I get old enough to mature into a regular disgusting moid with a fat disgusting stomach and conetits. Endocrinologists are evil, literally you should always fucking assume your doctor is actively trying to kill you because otherwise they will. It’s so fucking over.

• lgs failure Nov 20, 2025 - 2 min read -
  Vent

  Went to a gamestore today and I thought the joke about them smelling bad was just a meme or like overblown, but it was legitimately heinous. I found this out after about three hours of trying to hype myself up to go into the room where everyone was playing the new league of legends tcg. Apparently this is a regular event and a poster on the counter said that it happens weekly at the same time and to ask the staff for details and they just told me what was on the poster so I didn’t actually really get any clarity on how to participate or anything like that. Also I need a deck to play and there are literally no decks available for purchase in any store near me or even online as far as i can tell.

  So that was kind of a bust, but I ended up buying a ttrpg that was in a dvd case called soul cemetery so that’s cool. Comes with a cd I’m assuming has like a soundtrack on it or something, idk. So overall I spent more money than I should’ve, learned about a community for a game I can’t play, had my olfactory receptors assaulted, and in a large crowd of people at peak hours for the store at an event I saw maybe one person who might be gay. idk what i was expecting tbh, i shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up

• i'll never be a mother Nov 18, 2025 - 1 min read -
  Vent

  I can’t even think of a joke or an agp deflection, I’m still thinking about how I’ll never be a mother. Anytime I think about that I’m devastated in a way I don’t know how to convey. I wish I was a real woman.

• vivarism Nov 17, 2025 - 4 min read -
  Vent

  

  yeah

  I had a good and surprisingly productive conversation with anonymousvoid earlier today, and because of it I think I’m going to try and visit a nearby gamestore tomorrow just to scope the place out. I’ve been there before to pick up a game or two, but never when there were really people around. They have a second room with tables for people to play at and everything, but I don’t know how that works really and all the events on their website are for mtg and card games idk how to play and i can’t afford to be into card games. Anyways I guess goal for tomorrow is just to do that if I have time, and maybe ask if people have open groups or run ttrpgs there or something. Idk.

  Now about that screenshot

  The above screengrab is an excerpt from neocities user vivarism, whose page i found by searching autogynephilia. This was probably not a good decision on my part, and I probably shouldn’t have read any of the stuff she has on her site but I did anyways. I sort of have a problem with that. About a month ago, my partner convinced me to stop going on 4tran and they described my habit of doomscrolling as a form of self harm. I don’t know if i’d go that far because i feel like that sort of diminishes people who engage in real, tangible self-harm but I guess that’s not really relevant to the subject at hand. Anyways point is, I read a couple short essays from vivarism and she identifies (or at least identified at the time of writing) as a misandrist and is a lesbian. I realized just a minute ago that there is a discrepancy here, and I think I’ll talk about that before getting on with dooming about my inability to get pregnant.

  

  This is a paragraph or two up from the first screenshot and it describes fairly viscerally her thoughts on pregnancy seemingly viewing it (at least in part) as a tool of patriarchal domination. I read this, and then after a few paragraphs I read the first screenshot and I think maybe my mind blanked out everthing before that because I immediately just latched onto that sentence, “but one thing he’ll never, ever, ever be is pregnant.” I don’t think I want to have kids (not that it matters anyways because I can’t) and knowing that I can hardly take care of myself, I know for certain I’d be a terrible parent. Despite this, the reason I locked onto this so immediately is because I think about this often and it makes me feel sick and hollow. I think this is because I’m AGP.

  This is similar to the concept of meta-attraction, I think. With meta-attraction, it’s the idea that an agp who claims to be attracted to men isn’t actually attracted to men, but is actually attracted to the idea of being with a man because it proves them to be a woman which is what actually gets them off. In this case, the idea of being a mother and raising a child (something only women can do) would prove that I am a woman, and that’s why I like the idea and somehow i’ve rooted it so deep in my mind that any time i think about raising a child it makes me cry.I’m sorry I’m probably not making sense right now, I’m tired and now i’m trying not to cry about the fact I’ll never get to raise a child or teach them how to read or watch them do everything for the first time and i was going to link this back to vivarism and how my agp got in the way of understanding her point that trans women can never be victimized as significantly as real women bc i got so distracted by the fact i can’t get pregnant but it’s too upsetting to the point where i can barely type or think at all so I think I’m going to call the post there

• matpat gametheory ruined my life Nov 16, 2025 - 4 min read -
  Vent

  Matpat Gametheory ruined my life and auto-ed my gynephilia. In the video Game Theory: Are Video Games Anti-LGBT?, he talks about drag and final fantasy 7 for a bit before moving into the more serious topic of anti-lgbt messaging in games. He lists a plethora of examples of good representation being censored in north america, and bad representation making it through, with only very few touchstones for uncensored positive representation. This post isn’t about that, though. This is about a game he mentions after the video is over, called dys4ia.

  Dys4ia is a flash game by Anna Anthropy that has the player experience small snippets of what she went through during the early stages of her medical transition. The game itself is good, especially for the time. It was one of, if not the first introduction i had to the concept of transness. Even at the time I didn’t fully understand what was happening, because I was too young to really comprehend the narrative. I just remember understanding the very basic idea of changing overtime, and being a woman, and that really resonnated with me.

  And then it all went wrong

  The problem with being a young tranny with unrestricted internet access is that you will look into things that will lead you to bad places. Like Matpat points out in the game theory episode, there weren’t (and aren’t) a lot of good examples of positive trans representation, and the places i found any representation at all were disgusting fetishistic places where trans bodies were gawked at like a lurid freakshow. Less poetically, I looked for trannies and found only fetish porn. It genuinely disgusts me more than anything, but I’m not sure I can point to what specifically disgusts me most, or if it’s just a combination.

  • There’s the fetishization, for one. Trannies only being allowed to exist as part of some sissy fetish for the submission of a weaker male, or something like that. Also the simultaneous hate of and desire for trans bodies like a form of sexualized body horror.
  • The fact that was all there was. That looking more into transness from dys4ia took me to news stories online about trannies being killed and butchered, fetish animations, and sissy hypno. That even the two other non-negative examples i can even think of at the time (Jazz Jennings showcased on TLC, the same channel wherein freaks are gawked at for the normie’s amusement; laverne cox on orange is the new black) were muddled by the gaze of cissoids.
  • And there’s also the horrible role I played, by engaging with this content and feeding my feelings of autogynephilia, but not actually fucking acting on it. As an adolescent I knew about hormones and surgeries and obsessively researched bottom surgery specifically, watching video renders explaining the process fueled by a disgusting agamp compulsion.

  If I wasn’t a disgusting freak I wouldn’t have done any of that and I would’ve lived a normal life, but instead i repped until i turned 18, well after it was too late for anything to fucking happen. And I think that’s maybe the most disgusting part, that I wish so desperately that I was just a little less of a fucking puritan chud because if i was just unrepentantly agp i would’ve been able to get on hormones before puberty, or at least blockers, and I could fulfill all of the deviant desires i wish i didn’t have. I could get along with women, and I could pass as one to myself to the point where i would probably even be able to tune out any sort of conscience i’d have telling me how disgusting i am for being an autogynephile. I could be a normal fucking person but instead i’m this disgusting malebrained freak who can’t even stick to the most basic of routines to save his pathetic existence. I fucking hate myself so fucking much and I’m such a fucking stupid attention whore for even posting this at all. I’m typing this right now, knowing that hitting save and updating the website proves that I get off on being miserable bc im agamp, but I’m going to do it fucking anyways. Whatever. Who even gives a shit.

• this blog Nov 15, 2025 - 3 min read -
  Vent

  this is a blog i made because i have no community :)

  i have no irl friends, i know very few other trans people, and the ones i do i can’t relate to at all. They’re all entirely normal with interests and friends and a life ahead of them and they go to school or they have real jobs and they don’t seem like the simple fact of being a tranny upsets them very much if at all.

  

  Art by an @anonnette40524

  recently i went to a support group. it was the only one of two i could find, and it was over zoom (because of course it was). i didn’t talk at all and just listened to these people talk about their problems and they seemed like normal people and they were even proud of being trans. “Trans people are strong as fuck” and all that. I don’t think that’s true in my case. I don’t think I’m particularly strong at all, and I think the only reason I haven’t roped is because i lucked out and ended up with good parents and a few good friends (online friends) early on. Also all of these people seemed to be in the very early stages of transitioning to the point where their struggles seemed almost entirely foreign to me. What do you say to someone who’s pre-everything? I don’t know anymore.

  Maybe that’s telling of the kind of person I am more than anything else. Like I’m so deeply unempathetic that the mere notion of relating to someone I’m not in the exact same position as is alien to the point where i literally don’t know what to say. I’m also incredibly judgemental. Anytime i see someone i think looks clocky, that’s my first thought, and my second and third as well. I see them as clocky, I identify what the problem is, and then what they could do about it (if anything). I genuinely hate that I’m like this and I don’t know how to change. I tried going to therapy but every time i tried to tell my therapist even that i am trans and that it disgusts me, i felt physically sick to the point of a complete inability to communicate. And this group therapy support group thing, I can’t talk about this shit either because literally just expressing that shit is like a cognitohazard and it’s irresponsible of me to suggest that it doesn’t actually get better and that if anything it gets worse. But even that’s just me fucking larping. I’m so fucking agamp that i make myself suffer on purpose and i trick myself into thinking my life is worse than it is so i can pretend i’m a real tranny.I fucking hate myself so fucking much. I hate all trannies, most of all myself. I want to be different but I literally don’t know how and anytime I’ve expressed this in the past it’s alienated whoever i told it to to the point where they stop talking to me.

  This is sort of my last shot, I guess. Just screaming into the void in the narcissistic hope that someone will see this and feel bad enough reading it that they send me a message for me to get disgustingly parasocial about.

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