Vent

• must be a male Jan 16, 2026 - 1 min read -
  Vent

  

  this is the kind of shit i’m talking about. if i were to stop punishing myself for my autogynephilia i would start saying disgusting sexist shit like this (original post, not the qt). if i’m not constantly hyperaware of all of the things that are wrong with me, or if i am comfortable for even a second too long i will say and do and think things i shouldn’t and that is inexcusable. op pisses me off so fucking much jesus fucking christ.

• college and found family Jan 16, 2026 - 6 min read -
  Vent

  A while back I read Zoe Storm’s To Own The Libs. It’s fine, by which I mean it’s pretty good but has moments that feel almost like a 101 course on queer identity and transness which can be, at times, rather tiresome. Tiresome. Stupid word. Anyways To Own The Libs is about a particularly stupid trans woman who justifies trooning out by saying it’s to infiltrate the queer community and expose them for frauds. A major theme of the book is found family. She joins the gay club or whatever it’s called on campus and makes friends who she helps and they help her and that part of the story is rather sweet. At the end, she has the support of her friends when she plans to come out to her parents. It is emphasized that no matter what happens, everything will be fine because she has her found family, and with them is where her real home is.

  Obviously overarching themes of belonging are broadly appealing, but I really love this specific subset of it. I think it’s extra fascinating to me as something of an outside observer. As an autogynephile i am not a genuine queer person, but i wish i was. Through that lens it makes sense why i would find this so compelling, and why it will always be out of reach.

  In college i made no friends, not for lack of trying. attempts at small talk with classmates always went sour, no doubt dragged down by my disgusting honfident “girl"mode. I once spent several weeks trying to work up the nerve just to talk to a girl sitting next to me, just smalltalk. Once I finally did, she pretty much instantly shut me down and started sitting somewhere else. She probably thought i was trying to hit on her or something. In one class we had to separate into groups and everyone around me left so the professor had to assign me to one and i had an anxiety attack and cried for the rest of class, and i think people started avoiding me even harder after that. one time i got asked out by a chaser and i was so pathetic and desperate that i said yes and that was awful and uncomfortable. I tried joining a few clubs but everyone was already close friends with each other and because I’d joined late there wasn’t really any way i had to get closer with any of them. there was an lgbt center on campus and like a brood parasite i started going there, which was also terrible for several reasons:

  1. Whiteness. The overwhelming majority of people who visited the center at all, and all but 4 people (myself included) who visited with any more regularity than once a month was white. I found this to be a problem because people who just recently discovered their queer identity are the worst because it consumes their whole self for a while. This is bad enough as is but it’s even worse with white queers because they tend to forget during this stage, that they can be (and often are) super fucking racist. Usually not in intentional grand overt ways, but in disgustingly subtle ways, or spoken so casually it takes you a few moments to a few days to fully process.
  2. Transphobia. Of the four brown regulars, one was a nonbinary gigapassoid, one was the most beautiful woman i’d ever seen, and one was your average cism gay transphobe. He didn’t make a big thing of it, and he obviously supported his immediate friends, but through a lot of the things he said both publicly and in private, it was very obvious he didn’t respect the concept of transness.
  3. Sexual objectification. The aforementioned beautiful woman and i would later start dating shortly after i accidentally outed myself to her. She immediately started hitting on me and having no experience whatsoever besides a couple run-ins with chasers that thankfully didn’t go anywhere, i folded pretty quick. I was really into her but she just wanted sex so i coped for a while until she said we could start actually dating. She was polyamorous and was at the time also dating a racist white theyfab who hated me. One of the boundaries i’d established at the start of our relationship was that i’m not polyarmorous and thus didn’t want to have to date any of her partners or anything, she agreed to this and proceeded to basically force me to date her partner who didn’t want to talk to me, obviously hated me, and lied anytime they were asked about it. This was one of the bigger problems that would lead to the termination of our relationship, but second was when she asked me if she could have sex with the aforementioned nonbinary gigapassoid. I said that I wasn’t really comfortable with it. I mean, how could someone be comfortable with that, really. But I figured it’s her life and she can do what she wants and i secretly figured i could start a drinking habit. She decided not to until a few days later when she asked again more insistently. Like I’d already told her that i wasn’t comfortable with it but she could do what she wants, but it was almost as if she just wanted my enthusiastic consent to be cucked. I restated my answer and said she could if she wants to. Then she spent the entirety of the holidays very far away with her other partner’s family and when she got back i asked her as politely as i could phrase it if there was some sort of seniority and if i’d ever be a priority for her and she basically said that no i’d never be a priority for her so she broke up with me and then we never spoke again and that was how i celebrated graduating college.

  So back to the broader point there, I couldn’t make friends outside the lgbt center because obviously, and i couldn’t make friends inside the lgbt center because they were all racist, transphobic, or just wanted to use me for sex. I think this was probably deserved because i think i am at my core a horrible evil person, so it’s probably for the best that i’m not in very many people’s lives. I’ve never seen Silence of the Lambs but I’ve seen a few scenes a few times and one quote that always sticks with me is, “Billy is not a real transsexual. But he thinks he is, he tries to be,” and bro that’s literally me fr. I lack a sort of indeterminable unattainable quality that leaves me bereft of virtue or true identity. I am a disgusting agp sissyboy faggot. this disgusting fetishistic need to pretend to be a woman no matter how uncanny and vile the guise has deservedly alienated me from the rest of humanity. I think there is nothing to really be done about this except maybe just pretend to be normal.

• some people i knew Jan 12, 2026 - 6 min read -
  Vent

  finch

  i used to be friends with a closeted trans woman online. she wasn’t out to me but i sorta suspected and later turned out to be right. that’s not super relevant ig. we had a falling out bc of some stupid reason. she said something snide about my then boyfriend (who was the only person i was out to at the time). we got into this big fight and i blocked her and then she regretted it and started trying to apologize but it was still really raw so she was both apologizing and continuing the fight at the same time but it ended up with her running out of alt accounts and asking my boyfriend to talk to me because she was genuinely sorry for the argument and everything but i was still really pissed even tho the inciting reason for all of this literally didn’t matter bc my bf literally didn’t give a shit at all about any of it in the slightest. anyways i told him to tell her not to talk to me anymore and that was the end of it.

  i think about her from time to time. we were both around the same age and very similar in a lot of ways. we were pretty good friends. not amazingly close or anything, but we were friends and we got along really well until then. i think about her sometimes, and i wonder how she’s doing, and i consider trying to reach out to apologize, but doing so would be kinda out of the way to the point of being sorta stalkerish, and probably the best apology i could offer her is to keep away from her and not waste her time with the ramblings of an autogynephile. i think reaching out to apologize would be selfish, as it wouldn’t be out of want to help her heal (my presence would only dredge up old wounds at best) any apology besides staying out of her life entirely would be self-motivated. to reach out is to seek forgiveness, which i don’t deserve. and my attention whore instincts yet linger and continue to drag the idea of reaching out back into my mind. it’s disgusting.

  jake

  in highschool i was friends with a lot of guys. None of them really liked me, they just let me hang around because i was funny because i was willing to go further with jokes because i wanted to kill myself and didn’t expect to live past 18 so i didn’t really care about social consequences. my usual group though was three guys: bryan, aaron, and mark. i was repping at the time because i was an idiot and because i was an idiot i probably honestly still haven’t really properly processed my relationship with those guys. sometimes i have dreams they appear in, and anytime they do, whatever was happening immediately shifts and now the dream is about them finding out i’m a [] (estrogenized gay male), and violating me, often violently. i think that’s probably because i’m a disgusting sex pervert so it’s probably safe to disregard as run of the mill AGP, but whatever.

  anyways bryan had a friend named jake. jake was the most racist man i have ever personally met to the point i was legitimately frightened to be around him. later on i found his instagram and apparently he was at the jan 6th insurrection, which broadly tracks because even at the time when i knew him, he was incredibly racist and horrible.

  one time me and my friends were hanging out at bryan’s house for his birthday. we weren’t really doing anything special to celebrate, just hanging out and talking. jack lived next door so after a bit he hopped the fence and started hanging out as well.

  even now writing this i’m a frightened by the incredible improbability that he’d somehow find this site, read this post, deduce it’s about him, and figure out who i am and figure out that i’m a [] and track me down and kill me. i know rationally that this won’t happen, and i’m not scared enough that i’m not going to post this, but it is in my mind while writing this and it is the reason why this section is second despite me writing it first.

  i don’t remember exactly what happened or how it happened but i think circumstance led to jack wrestling with the rest of us (more like roughousing ig, idrk). he grabbed me and i couldn’t really do anything bc i was a pathetic weak faglet and he grabbed my shoulders and my chest and my waist and my hips and he started thrusting his hips into me and it was painful and i tried to get him to stop but i couldn’t fight back and everyone else was laughing so i laughed too and he bent me over a car and held me down against the hood and kept humping me until he got bored and he did sort of the same with aaron and mark but they were both in track and they were strong enough to push back and they were laughing so i laughed and i don’t remember the order of things. at some point we all sat back down and i was sore and sort of zoned out and jack hopped the fence back to his house without saying anything and i thought he might come back with a gun and kill me (because he really hated mexicans especially, and he seemed like the kind of guy who had easy access to guns) so i called my mom and left before he came back.

  i don’t like thinking about any of that. i hate myself in part because i think part of me likes that it happened, or wishes he’d actually assaulted me because if i was a victim of sexual violence then i would be closer to being a woman and i know that’s not how that works and i know it’s disgusting and incredibly disrespectful to actual victims and it’s insanely fucking sexist and it makes me legitimately sick anytime i think about this because all these thoughts are tied in with it and i wish i could kill the part of me that has these thoughts i wish i could kill the narcissistic autogynephile that reminds me of this just to pretend he’s actually suffered as a woman i wish i could kill the part of myself that coopts the narratives of sexual assault survivors to try and relate and take the spotlight and be so heckin vxlid my soul is impure i am this way because i was deservedly cursed i brought all this on ymself for being such a rotten thing i am a disgusting pervert who has committed unforgivable sin and i need to be made to suffer i need to be tortured in hell for the visions and words my mind has conjured i am impure i am not impure i am impurity manifest i am the impurity i am not inherently unclean i am the uncleanliness i am not the sinner i am the sin the sin is too narcissistic i am a sin i am not a person there is no salvation for me there should and can be no salvation for me i am an evil i am a stain

• inherent misogyny of being a [] Jan 9, 2026 - 2 min read -
  Vent

  I think being a [] is maybe inherently sexist. I claim to be a woman but I’m obviously not. I don’t look like one, I don’t act like one, I don’t sound or think like one. At best I can do my best impression of one, which will never be accurate because it is tainted by sexism as it stems from a patriarchal perspective. By the sin of my birth I will never know what it is like to be a woman. I have never and will never endure the tortures that women are forced to endure in our society. I will never understand what it is like. I will never be a woman because I never had that label forced on me, and I never suffered for it. Or at least I never suffered in the right way or enough. I am a mentally ill, attention-seeking, autistic man who has a perverse autogynephilic drive to pretend to be a woman, and if I ever detrans I’ll kill myself. What a disgusting, wretched existence.Death would, perhaps, be merciful, but mercy is not something I deserve. I should be made to suffer as long as possible because I am bereft of the ability to empathize. I must have suffering forced upon me such that I can become something akin to a person.

  

• failure in optimal conditions Jan 4, 2026 - 4 min read -
  Vent

  I’d always gotten along better with girls than guys, idk I just clicked with them better. I didn’t have as many guy friends because of that. Whenever I’d play with my neighbor he’d call me a tomgirl bc I didn’t like playing rough, so eventually I stopped playing with him. In the first grade my best friend was a girl named Sally, and I think that’s where things started to change socially. Other students and even teachers would tease me and say that we were dating or in love or something. Some older kids at recess even forced us to do a mock wedding once. I didn’t like it and I was generally pretty angry because of that. I wasn’t interested in her in that way, she was just my friend, but everyone pushed their assumptions onto me and I hated it so much. It made me feel disgusting, it was maybe the first time i was forced to reckon with the fact that gender touches everything. I had a group of female friends through Sally but I got kicked out because everyone (including Sally) thought I just wanted to be her boyfriend. That and I got in fights sometimes with people for pushing false assumptions on me that I was too stupid to properly argue or even verbalize against. I got really mad at people for always telling lies about me like they were fact. I think I got into a fight with this girl Jessica once, but I’m not sure. I remember choking her but I don’t remember any surrounding context so it might have been imagined. Regardless i think they were right to eject me from the group because regardless of if I ever did actually do anything I thought of it because I was and am an angry, disgusting, violent man.

  After that I spent a lot of time without friends until some guys and I started talking and they introduced me to pokemon. They became my closest friends for about a decade. That doesn’t mean I was close with them, though. I wasn’t raised religious, but i grew up in a religious area so people kept me at a distance if they ever found out, and of course they found out because I didn’t know it was something to be kept secret at the time. I was a friend of convenience for them. We would hang out at school and i would make them laugh and entertain them and when we got to middle and highschool i was Mexican so I would let them be casually racist and engage with it and encourage it, and I didn’t recognize what I was even doing, but that doesn’t excuse it. It was disgusting and I was and am disgusting. They would never hang out with me outside of school aside from some birthdays and the odd event. I sort of just accepted it because that’s how guys are friends I guess.

  In middle school there were girls i was friends with but I kept them at a distance because I’d learned women and men are supposed to be divided at least somewhat, and I didn’t want to seem like a creep. And I was a creep. In highschool there was this girl named Laney. She was very pretty and looked similar-ish to me (I was repping at the time, since about 11 years old) and I wanted to look like her and bc repping had destroyed my brain i interpreted this as attraction. It was very shortlived but I know that I creeped her out because we didn’t know each other and sometimes she would just see me staring at her and I would try to give her things to idk win her affection or something idk what I was even trying to do but it was disgusting and horrible and I basically harassed this poor girl who I’m sure had enough problems as is being a girl at that school. God and I was repping I forgot about that, cause I only found out about transitioning through a game theory video which led me down a disgusting rabbit hole of agp porn on youtube for kids. Genuinely horrible i wish I wasn’t so fucking retarded. My parents would have been supportive i could’ve been at least on puberty blockers before 12 i could have been effectively cis but I repped because I wasn’t fucking jazz Jennings i wasn’t one of those fuckers who “always knew i was a girl” or whatever bullshit Jesus fucking christ. My life could’ve been so fucking good, or at least like better. Christ I was so fucking close and i didn’t fucking do anything about it because i was too fucking autistic and retarded to do anything but rep. I wouldn’t have even lost anything. I wouldn’t have had any friends probably, but I didn’t have any real friends anyways. I hate myself so fucking much

• site redesign and chaser blogs Jan 3, 2026 - 1 min read -
  Vent

  So i started using hugo recently bc i was annoyed by having to copy/paste html like a chud especially since i was basically just using it for basic markdown stuff. I reconfigured how the website is styled a little bit, added back a basic landing page (maybe I’ll draw something so it looks nicer than it currently does but idk whatever) and now it’s fully up and running again. Though I could probably tweak how posts are displayed a bit, because i liked the old style but whatever.

  Chatroom is down tho bc server issues on chattable’s end tho, so i put my discord there so if people really want to reach out they can, but again I’m fine and your time is definitely spent better elsewhere. Recently I’ve been reading through Halimede’s substack, as well as the blog of some weird new age chaser cult because chasers are very funny to me. I could probably write a lot about that cult, bc it’s genuinely so funny to me.

  I wish I had irl friends.

• hugo Dec 24, 2025 - 2 min read -
  Vent Tech

  instead of going to therapy (because the last time i tried i got kicked out) i decided to redo this website. originally it was all just html/js/css based on a template by nomnomnami, but writing any posts was pissing me off because it was an annoying amount of direct interfacing with html which i am not a fan of. So now I’m using hugo so i can use markdown like a chud because i’m not good enough to make something look good on my own without using like five extra tools to cheat.

  Anyways hugo is alright. Installation was annoying bc installing Go is annoying and the apt packages are out of date so it was a whole thing. Also installing the neocities CLI was easy but i made it hard on purpose for no reason, but now i have rbenv fully set up if i ever decide to do ruby development. Who knows, fucking maybe right. Ruby on rails is still popular for web apps. Or maybe not anymore. Maybe I should just learn rust or something. idk. honestly kinda who even gives a shit about anything.

  i’ve been trying to get better but it feels like i’ve hit a wall. i think probably it would help if i went to therapy, but it wouldn’t actually help because i wouldn’t talk about anything or even at all because even just saying (or frankly even typing) the word t[you know the rest] is incredibly difficult to me. the slur is super easy. anything that sounds venomous and hateful is way easier to say than any sort of neutral language. I’m still thinking of how/why i got kicked out of therapy last time. I wasn’t comfortable with talking and so they kicked me out after a few sessions of not saying anything. I guess, not like it was going to help anyways. i think therapy is a nice end goal, but at the moment it doesn’t really seem in any way feasible. It’d just cost me more than i can afford for no benefit like the last five or so times i tried.

  i got a new job and i’m already fucking it up, and i’ve been sick for the past week. it could be worse, i could be in a way worse situation, my life is fine i’m just a miserable chud

• i hate being a [] Dec 17, 2025 - 1 min read -
  Vent

  I hate being a [] so fucking much. I’m trying to not say the t-slur anymore per someone’s advice, but it’s literally the only thing that feels appropriate to say to describe myself. Like I can’t bring myself to even say the word transgender without it being part of some joke at the word itself, or my exepense. The way it crawls out my throat and sloughs off my tongue disgusts me, unlike the slur which is sharp and hateful which i think is why i can tolerate using it but feel sick to my stomach at the mere thought of the other word. Also I can feel my sanity wavering at the first fucking slightest obstacle in existence. [] has to research progesterone, what happens next will shock you!

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4