Vent
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haircut
Feb 9, 2026
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1 min read
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doing a check in ahead of time with my hair stylist and i feel like such a fucking chud. i have to take pictures of myself and my hideous agp curls, then i have to send references and it genuinely disgusts me. “I know I’m a hideous disgusting moid but please, oh please, would you make me look like this beautiful woman?”
it’s perverse. i’m implicating others in this fetish because otherwise i feel like fucking killing myself. doing anything that even marginally increases the quality of my life is to the detriment of everyone around me. like forcing people to pretend i’m a woman like i don’t just look like a faggot with long hair. it would probably be better for everyone if i just killed myself but i’m never going to do it because i’m selfish and my AGP is so deeply rooted and intwined with myself that i can’t ever get rid of it. i am an interloper, and i think i should be killed.
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i am not going to hurt myself
Feb 8, 2026
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2 min read
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i’m such a fucking retarded piece of shit i can’t fucking do anything right i’m such a fucking waste of space if i was any less lucky than to be boirn where i was and to the people i was i’d be dead a thousand fucking times over i can’t fucking do anything for myself i’ve never had a real job i can’t fucking follow instructions without them being spelled out step by fucking step i can’t go outside i can’t make friends i can’t even fucking follow a stupid fucking recipe to save my life and i can’t even mentally handle fucking up something stupid and inconsequential because i’m such a fucking fat disgusting retarded chud i really should kill myself but i’m not going to because i’m too afraid and i’ve promised people that i wouldn’t even though i’m just fucking wasting oxygen and eating up everyone’s fucking energy and it’s only a matter of time before i get kicked out and my boyfriend breaks up with me because they’ll all realize i’m never going to get better it’s just this or even worse forever and no matter what i do i’m genuinely fucking incapable of any meaningful change fuck this fuck everything i hate being a stupid fucking tranny i hate being alive
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copemaxxing
Feb 4, 2026
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2 min read
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Recently I’ve been trying to gaslight myself into thinking I’m not AGP. I’m worried that if i don’t do this successfully, I’ll end up sabotaging my relationship with my boyfriend like what happened the last two times. Well. Those were different for a lot of reasons, but being agp and being weird about it and crying about it all the time certainly didn’t help. It wasn’t the biggest factor in either of those cases but again, not helpful. Things are going really well with my boyfriend rn despite everything, so i’m terrified thinking about when it’s all going to go wrong.
Anyways so I’ve been trying to gaslight myself into thinking i’m not AGP. I’ve been going slowly. I’ve stopped derrogatorily calling people woke when they gender me as female and recently I’ve been trying to avoid going out of my way to either gender myself as male or avoid gendering myself as a woman. It frankly feels kind of disgusting, because it feels like doing blackface almost. To claim that I am a woman (when obviously, I am not a woman and never will be despite what I wish was the case) is to claim that I understand what it means to be a woman, which I cannot. As a result my performance of womanhood is caricaturistic. In wanting to be a good partner to my boyfriend, I am reinforcing regressive stereotypes and attitudes about and towards women. To embrace this role is to embrace being a pawn of the patriarchy.
Recently I saw a post somewhere about how genuine transgender people are that way because of a sort of neurological intersex condition. That trans women, for example, are women because their brains are female brains. Effectively. I’m boiling down a lot of complicated science to the laymen’s takeaway i left with. This is cool and interesting but on a personal level doesn’t affect me at all because I am not a true transsexual. I am a perverted AGAMP man playing dress-up, and forcing everyone around me to play along. It is disgusting, perverse, and selfish.
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kinda feel like roping
Feb 4, 2026
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1 min read
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i’m not going to, i’m too existentially afraid of death to ever actually kill myself but rn i kinda feel like it more than i have in a good while. it’s always in the back of my head but it was recently brought to the forefront of my mind that i’m a worthless parasite. I’ve been working a fake job at a fake company for two months now and they haven’t paid me yet and i sorta doubt they ever will. i’m just sorta bleeding money and goodwill rn so i think it’s probably only a matter of time before everyone gets sick of me and idk. it can’t be this forever and i can’t imagine things really getting any better since every opportunity i’ve ever had has just spat in my face so i should probably start planning for the eventuality that i’ll get kicked out and be homeless. i don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon either. Hopefully not, at least. idk. i’m very privileged, so i shouldn’t complain so much. i think i’m just kind of a uniquely worthless piece of shit, because if i was actually worth half a damn i’d be successful and happy. this is all my fault.
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disgusting agp thoughts
Jan 17, 2026
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1 min read
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i was listening to someone just a bit ago talk about her job and how she gets hit on a lot and my first thought was that i wished that would happen to me. These are not the thoughts of a woman. No woman would long for that abuse, but as an autogynephile fulfilling a feminine role in any way compels my depraved mind in horrible, vile directions. i hope when i die it is slow and torturous as i deserve. I hope i am made to suffer eternal.
Burn Ointment by SpiderPolice -
he/him
Jan 17, 2026
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1 min read
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the other day i was considering using he/him again and then i played out five seconds of an interaction in my mind and started crying and felt like i was going to throw up so i’m probably just gonna indulge this whole agp thing forever ig
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tgirl
Jan 17, 2026
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2 min read
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The term “tgirl” disgusts me. The more i hear it the more it does and I’m finally able to put into words exactly why. Use of the term “tgirl” bestows upon transsexual women a linguistic markedness (read There Is No Unmarked Woman) beyond the existing marker of girl. It categorizes transsexual women as a different thing from real (cisgender) women, thus creating a third category (boys, girls, tgirls). This is incredibly transphobic. Not necessarily wrong, per se, but it is transphobic assuming the othering of trans people is a form of transphobia. What irks me most about the term though is that, in my experience, it’s predominantly used by queer people and so-called allies. That this othering is from within disgusts me.
This is the sort of thing I’m trying to get at here. That using the term “tgirl” indicates a perceived difference between trans women and real women. It is the language of unrepentant autogynephiles who wish to alienate themselves from cisness due to a delusional cope that being a [] is good for any reason. It is the language of chasers and grifters who seek to curry points by appealing to a desperate minority. It is the language of the pitiable transsexual desperately searching for any positive spin on their accursed affliction, but I reject the idea that separatism can ever heal. Problems can only be solved by confrontation rather than flight, and the term “tgirl” is at best an attempt to flee.
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some other third thing
Jan 16, 2026
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1 min read
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I hate being this disgusting halfway thing. Compared to a man I’m disgustingly weak and effeminate and obviously different to the point where i can’t even manmode now if i wanted to. Like it’d be more effort than it’s worth and everyone would still clock me as a pathetic faggot so it’s not like i’d even get anything out of it besides an uptick in suicidal ideation.
But compared to a woman I am unmistakably something else. I have long hair and male skin. I have the height and frame of a man with two malformed lumps of flesh on my chest one might mistake for breasts if they were squinting at night and drunk. i have the quintessential clocky [] voice that’s just barely 51% female and only 49% male. I am a creature of the uncanny valley. I have estrogenated myself beyond the point of no return, in shooting for the stars i’ve stranded myself on a mountain. fmstl.