read my depraved thoughts!

• matpat gametheory ruined my life Nov 16, 2025 - 4 min read -
  Vent

  Matpat Gametheory ruined my life and auto-ed my gynephilia. In the video Game Theory: Are Video Games Anti-LGBT?, he talks about drag and final fantasy 7 for a bit before moving into the more serious topic of anti-lgbt messaging in games. He lists a plethora of examples of good representation being censored in north america, and bad representation making it through, with only very few touchstones for uncensored positive representation. This post isn’t about that, though. This is about a game he mentions after the video is over, called dys4ia.

  Dys4ia is a flash game by Anna Anthropy that has the player experience small snippets of what she went through during the early stages of her medical transition. The game itself is good, especially for the time. It was one of, if not the first introduction i had to the concept of transness. Even at the time I didn’t fully understand what was happening, because I was too young to really comprehend the narrative. I just remember understanding the very basic idea of changing overtime, and being a woman, and that really resonnated with me.

  And then it all went wrong

  The problem with being a young tranny with unrestricted internet access is that you will look into things that will lead you to bad places. Like Matpat points out in the game theory episode, there weren’t (and aren’t) a lot of good examples of positive trans representation, and the places i found any representation at all were disgusting fetishistic places where trans bodies were gawked at like a lurid freakshow. Less poetically, I looked for trannies and found only fetish porn. It genuinely disgusts me more than anything, but I’m not sure I can point to what specifically disgusts me most, or if it’s just a combination.

  • There’s the fetishization, for one. Trannies only being allowed to exist as part of some sissy fetish for the submission of a weaker male, or something like that. Also the simultaneous hate of and desire for trans bodies like a form of sexualized body horror.
  • The fact that was all there was. That looking more into transness from dys4ia took me to news stories online about trannies being killed and butchered, fetish animations, and sissy hypno. That even the two other non-negative examples i can even think of at the time (Jazz Jennings showcased on TLC, the same channel wherein freaks are gawked at for the normie’s amusement; laverne cox on orange is the new black) were muddled by the gaze of cissoids.
  • And there’s also the horrible role I played, by engaging with this content and feeding my feelings of autogynephilia, but not actually fucking acting on it. As an adolescent I knew about hormones and surgeries and obsessively researched bottom surgery specifically, watching video renders explaining the process fueled by a disgusting agamp compulsion.

  If I wasn’t a disgusting freak I wouldn’t have done any of that and I would’ve lived a normal life, but instead i repped until i turned 18, well after it was too late for anything to fucking happen. And I think that’s maybe the most disgusting part, that I wish so desperately that I was just a little less of a fucking puritan chud because if i was just unrepentantly agp i would’ve been able to get on hormones before puberty, or at least blockers, and I could fulfill all of the deviant desires i wish i didn’t have. I could get along with women, and I could pass as one to myself to the point where i would probably even be able to tune out any sort of conscience i’d have telling me how disgusting i am for being an autogynephile. I could be a normal fucking person but instead i’m this disgusting malebrained freak who can’t even stick to the most basic of routines to save his pathetic existence. I fucking hate myself so fucking much and I’m such a fucking stupid attention whore for even posting this at all. I’m typing this right now, knowing that hitting save and updating the website proves that I get off on being miserable bc im agamp, but I’m going to do it fucking anyways. Whatever. Who even gives a shit.

• linux migration Nov 16, 2025 - 8 min read -
  Tech

  This morning someone sent a message in chat that they were concerned for me and suggested engaging in hobbies and interests as a distraction from my dumb gay tranny problems. They put it more nicely than that, though. This is I guess an attempt at doing that. Recently I switched over from windows 10 to linux. Here’s how it’s gone so far:

  First, a bit about my background.

  I’m not particularly experienced with linux, but I’m decently familiar with command line in general, and I have used linux plenty of times for certain things but I’ve never really used it as a daily driver. I used debian for some classes in school, and I like to do dev work in an ubuntu vm bc developing anything on windows is actually fucking hell on earth, but that was only ever really super basic stuff like directory management, installing packages, running programs, etc. Simple stuff.

  A while back (I think maybe before I actually started using ubuntu wsl for work) I realized my old chromebook still worked so I got a new charger for it but noticed it was running super slow and security upgrades ended for it. I didn’t really give a shit about the security updates bc i didn’t have anything on the drive that was important at all, and i wasn’t super concerned about getting a virus on the network from a computer i rarely used and was basically dead anyways, but I had nothing else to do so i started looking into seeing if you could install linux on one. And apparently yeah, you can (see docs.chrultrabook.com for detailed info). I got lucky and the model i had just had a write-protect screw so I didn’t need to get any new equipment which was nice. Anyways I followed the instructions in the chrultrabook docs and installed custom firmware which allowed me to then flash an OS onto the system and overwrite chromeOS. Again, I had nothing better to do so I installed arch.

  The process of installing arch was tedious, and annoying, and very time consuming, but in the end i got everything set up right, and it was pretty nice actually. I riced up my setup a little too, and things were running faster than they were previously. Still not exactly fast though. It’s an old laptop with 4 gb of ram and an old, probably dusty cpu, so it’s obviously not gonna end up being too fast, and the fact I installed it with KDE wasn’t helping bc of how low-speced my machine was. I didn’t really use it for like a month and then i figured I should probably update it (horrible mistake) broke everything, and then decided instead of bothering with fixing arch i’d just install a new OS instead. So I decided to install Ultramarine.

  I hate ultramarine. It’s great in theory. Like fedora, but with everything preconfigured to work real nice. Fantastic. Great. Not a rolling release distro like arch so you’re less likely for a temporary lack of maintenance to break everything. Awesome. Ultramarine Linux has literally never worked for me. It worked for like a day and then decided to shit itself. After that, I tried out Pop!_OS for like a hot second but the screen rendered upside-down so i decided to install OpenSUSE instead.

  It’s occurring to me now that these operating systems sound like they’re just being picked willy-nilly. The reason I was following this weird list was because the chrultrabook docs recommend these distros over others.

  Anyways, OpenSUSE Tumbleweed. I actually really like tumbleweed. It’s a rolling release distro but it’s not quite as bleeding edge as arch so things get tested more before release. It’s really lightweight but user-friendly enough for someone who’s not an expert, like me, and it has the open build repository which is like the arch user repositoryso it basically has all of the advantages with fewer of the disadvantages that matter to me. Also it’s super easy to roll back, and ik you can do the same shit with arch but i’m literally stupid and openSUSE is easy and i’m stupid and i think brownies from a box are maybe just better sometimes and that’s okay. That reminds me, I’ve been getting into baking recently and maybe I should talk about that in a separate post, but whatever that’s besides the point. I still have tumbleweed installed on my laptop and I like it well enough. It does everything I need it to. Though now i use GNOME instead of KDE as a DE (desktop environment, forgot to define that term earlier) which is more mac-like which is fine but it’s more lightweight which is good for an old laptop i don’t use that much except to browse the internet.

  I also previously installed EndeavourOS as a dual boot on my desktop PC. It was fine until I tried to test if I installed the nvidia drivers right (bc i’m a chud and I have an nvidia graphics card) and I guess I must’ve not bc I tried opening Disco Elysium and it got stuck loading forever and I had to manually reboot my pc and decided I didn’t care enough to get rid of windows yet and just went back to win10.

  Windows 10 End of Life

  Recently Microsoft put into action the end of security updates for windows 10. My computer was built in like 2016 so it lacks a tpu module that would enable it to upgrade to windows 11. I could easily bypass this and be fine, but “upgrading” to windows 11 with all its fucking copilot shit sounded so fucking infuriating that I decided to just switch to linux. Right now I’m dual booting still in case I need any data on my win10 partition, and even then I don’t have to fully commit until a year from now because they have extended security updates for windows 10 users so the real end of life is october 2026, but I figured I’d get used to it now because I really really really really really don’t want to “““upgrade””” to windows 11. I know people who use win11 and every time i try and help them troubleshoot anything I just get fucking pissed off because it truly is just win10 but worse in every conceivable way and i already fucking hate win10.

  Anyways I decided to try out Bazzite which is an atomic distribution of linux based on UniversalBlue/Fedora. That’s a lot of words to say basically, it’s babyproof. Atomic distros are distributions of linux where there are certain things that you can’t change, making it easier to roll back to a previous version if you accidentally manage to break something, and making it easier to update without stressing about something breaking. That all sounded great to me bc like, I really just want my computer to work at the end of the day. I don’t need it to do anything fancy, just run git, godot, krita, steam, and firefox and I’ll be fine. Bazzite sounded great because it also has automatic nvidia drivers installed and stuff and a bunch of tweaks with proton and stuff so if you want to play a game it’ll generally just work. And in my experience so far, it has with minimal configuration. Though if you have an NVIDIA GPU it’s not at the point yet where I would recommend switching. If you have an AMD it’s a-ok tho, and honestly will probably run your shit better than windows since AMD’s drivers are open-source instead of proprietary like NVIDIA so there’s a lot more support for AMD drivers on linux. Also bazzite comes pre-installed with distrobox, so if you really need to do something you normally couldn’t on an atomic distro, then you can just use an integrated virtual machine to do it anyways. It gave me a little bit of a headache at the beginning, but it works perfect now, so I can work on the same environment I worked on when I daily drove windows (an ubuntu vm lol), but the integration makes it easier to connect external devices for debugging as well so it’s really nice actually. But right, problems with NVIDIA. Bazzite only uses Wayland (which is basically a protocol for displaying graphics on-screen) as opposed to X11. X11 afaik (and i barely have looked into any of this) is made by windows, whereas wayland is a purely linux thing. For the purposes of NVIDIA GPUs, this means wayland is a little bit less supported and so there can sometimes be weird little graphical glitches:

  • On kde, tooltips are sometimes stretched or shrunk when i hover over a program on the toolbar. This corrects itself after a second, though, and doesn’t happen very often.
  • When my cursor changes states (like when changing when hovering over text) it glitches out for a fraction of a second before returning to normal. It’s really small but just a little bit annoying.

  That’s basically it. Also with NVIDIA it on average runs games a little slower than win10 but my monitor can only display a max of 60fps anyways so like, i don’t really care. If I was the kind of person who cared about perfect smoothness I wouldn’t be using a PC from 2016. But games all still run. I can play 2077 and get really agp about panam and meta about river, and I can run tabletop sim to pursue my other malebrained interests. So overall, I like bazzite, but I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, though it’s definitely getting there, compared to most other distros I’ve tried.

  

  new valve hardware announced, linux standing strong with 3% of desktop users, huge day for autogynephiles everywhere also mogs me

• malebrained or fembrained Nov 16, 2025 - 1 min read -
  Unserious

  chat, is making a neocities website malebrained or fembrained

• this blog Nov 15, 2025 - 3 min read -
  Vent

  this is a blog i made because i have no community :)

  i have no irl friends, i know very few other trans people, and the ones i do i can’t relate to at all. They’re all entirely normal with interests and friends and a life ahead of them and they go to school or they have real jobs and they don’t seem like the simple fact of being a tranny upsets them very much if at all.

  

  Art by an @anonnette40524

  recently i went to a support group. it was the only one of two i could find, and it was over zoom (because of course it was). i didn’t talk at all and just listened to these people talk about their problems and they seemed like normal people and they were even proud of being trans. “Trans people are strong as fuck” and all that. I don’t think that’s true in my case. I don’t think I’m particularly strong at all, and I think the only reason I haven’t roped is because i lucked out and ended up with good parents and a few good friends (online friends) early on. Also all of these people seemed to be in the very early stages of transitioning to the point where their struggles seemed almost entirely foreign to me. What do you say to someone who’s pre-everything? I don’t know anymore.

  Maybe that’s telling of the kind of person I am more than anything else. Like I’m so deeply unempathetic that the mere notion of relating to someone I’m not in the exact same position as is alien to the point where i literally don’t know what to say. I’m also incredibly judgemental. Anytime i see someone i think looks clocky, that’s my first thought, and my second and third as well. I see them as clocky, I identify what the problem is, and then what they could do about it (if anything). I genuinely hate that I’m like this and I don’t know how to change. I tried going to therapy but every time i tried to tell my therapist even that i am trans and that it disgusts me, i felt physically sick to the point of a complete inability to communicate. And this group therapy support group thing, I can’t talk about this shit either because literally just expressing that shit is like a cognitohazard and it’s irresponsible of me to suggest that it doesn’t actually get better and that if anything it gets worse. But even that’s just me fucking larping. I’m so fucking agamp that i make myself suffer on purpose and i trick myself into thinking my life is worse than it is so i can pretend i’m a real tranny.I fucking hate myself so fucking much. I hate all trannies, most of all myself. I want to be different but I literally don’t know how and anytime I’ve expressed this in the past it’s alienated whoever i told it to to the point where they stop talking to me.

  This is sort of my last shot, I guess. Just screaming into the void in the narcissistic hope that someone will see this and feel bad enough reading it that they send me a message for me to get disgustingly parasocial about.

• About me Nov 15, 2025 - 2 min read -

  I’m V. I’m a 20-something year old tranny. People don’t usually like it when I use that word but it feels like the only one with enough venom behind it to accurately convey how disgusting it is. Here’s some more cool facts:

  • i have no irl friends
  • i will never be a woman
  • i’m the sole cause of all of the problems in my life
  • i use she/her pronouns <3
  • i like programming (malebrained) and linux (agp cope)

  I used to be normal, i used to be a person. I don’t know what happened. I wish I was different. i have no friends irl (not for lack of trying). i’m hardly know any other trans people and the ones i do i can’t relate to at all because they either have real problems or really buy into the whole trans pride rhetoric. I legitimately don’t understand having pride about being trans as anything other than a cope. I’m not strong or special, it’s only ever made my life worse. If I was cis 99% of my problems would disappear instantly. Though I suppose that’s only proof that none of my problems are real. All of my problems are my own fault for being a disgusting agp fetishist.

  I think the worst part about this by far is being painfully aware of it but unable to do a single fucking thing about it. I know i’m a disgusting autogynephile but i can’t stop, things would be so much easier if i was an actual person but i don’t think that i am. Maybe i’m just saying that to deflect responsibility off of myself and claim that it’s just my nature and that there’s nothing at all i can do about it when in actuality i can and always have been able to stop and have just chosen not to at every opportunity because this is the life i actually always wanted.

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