read my depraved thoughts!

Reading	Listening to	Coping by
Nothing and slowly becoming illiterate	FUKOUNA GIRL - STOMACH BOOK	I need to get more catholic NOW

read trans girl diaries Jan 12, 2026 - 1 min read -
Unserious

this shit is so good

i’ve been in this exact situation before all of my friends growing up hated [] the last time i ever talked to any of them we were eating dinner and they were talking about daytrading or some shit and then someone brought up someone from our class who was either ftm or nb (idk i didn’t know them at all) and i felt like i was going insane because i’d been taking estrogen for several months at that point

anyways read this shit it’s good https://archive.org/details/transgirldiaries/
for ruinedgirl Jan 11, 2026 - 8 min read -
Letter

In response to ruinedgirl

In order to try and keep my thoughts organized, I’m going to go point by point in my response.

i’m really sorry if this is random/stupid/weird but reading your posts whenever they appear just fills me with a profound sense of sadness. and i don’t mean to insinuate that you’re an attention seeker or anything, i’ve just found myself empathizing with you more and more.

i don’t think you writing this is random, stupid, or weird because this is the exact sort of behavior that this website was designed to engineer. you may not mean to insinuate it, but it is true that i am an attention-whore. i don’t mean to come off as argumentative (especially not this early) but it is a fact that in making this website and by maintaining it i was and am selfishly seeking attention for my own gratification. reading even just this first part has made me seriously consider taking this site down because i think in leaving it up i am only extending pain onto others. obviously i’m not going to do that though because i’m a selfish whore and despite what i’d like to believe i don’t actually care about others, which is why i must be made to suffer such that i can maybe one day have the capacity for empathy of a normal person. i am a selfish, deeply unempathetic person and by posting this i am actively and directly hurting at the very least you, ruinedgirl, as by your own admission reading these posts makes you profoundly sad. i think that is a horrible thing to do to another person and yet i’m still writing this and i’m still going to post it and i’m not sure why i am like this and i think i should probably be entirely isolated from society.

i think you’re a good person. the thing with truly terrible people is that they either blame others for their issues or don’t acknowledge that they’re sad in the first place. you both blame yourself for everything wrong in your life while being hyperaware of all of your flaws, both real and perceived. i just think you should lighten up on yourself.

i disagree with the notion that being aware of one’s flaws and the true origins of them in any way nullifies culpability for those flaws. i am aware that i am wasting everyone’s time and energy by writing this, and i am aware that it is because i am a loathsome thing, but that does not make me any less responsible for my own actions, and the result of those actions is overall negative.

As for lightening up on myself, i don’t think that would be a very good decision because when i have in the past i’d get comfortable and comfort invariably leads to… not recidivism, i can’t quite think of an adequate word, but it leads to repeating negative behaviors without awareness of them in the moment. if i am at least aware of my horribleness then i will at least be made to suffer immediately for any wrongdoing which is probably not as harsh as i deserve, but i think it is at least somewhat helpful. while it might not prevent me from doing things like this, it will make me feel awful for doing them so maybe one day i’ll finally stop.

like when i was reading your most recent post, the first thing i thought about was that all groups of women have their different problems, and not having the same problems as other women is literally a part of being one. […] so why should having problems exclusive to trans women make you less of a woman? they’re still problems that are experienced by a woman, even if they’re only experienced by a specific group of women. hell, the things you described at the start are experienced by women all across the world. […] there are even cis women out there who have literally never experienced sexism because of where they live. don’t exclude yourself from being a woman just because you think you don’t experience the same problems, circumstances, etc, as other women. you’re suffering right now for being a woman, and even if it’s not from being cat-called or receiving lower wages than a man or whatever, you’re most certainly tormenting yourself for being a woman.

obviously, i can’t really speak to what it is like to be a woman, but when thinking about the suffering forced upon women in all aspects of society, i often recall Deborah Tannen’s There Is No Unmarked Woman (direct pdf download). It’s only about a page long, so I’d recommend you read it. But the point with bringing it up is that even at a fundamental linguistic level, being a woman is a role that is put upon women. the role of woman is in many ways like an underclass in patriarchal society. While some women may not directly experience overt sexism (such as workplace mistreatment or harassment) all women, regardless of where they are or who they are, experience some form of markedness by the fact of being a woman in ways they may not even be fully aware of since they are instilled from birth (race and class also play an important role in determining how being a woman affects one’s life, like an upper class black woman will have a very different relationship with femininity than a lower class white woman though both experience privilege in some ways they lack privilege in others and the way that intersects with being a woman is different, but intersectionality is sort of out of the scope of this letter right now).

i am a man. i had the choice not to be marked, but i chose to be a [] due to persistent, early-onset autogynephilia. even if the problems i have now were to overlap perfectly with those of a comparable (though obviously as a man i cannot be compared to any woman in this sense) woman, they would still be inherently different because this is a markedness that i chose rather than one that was forced upon me. there is no unmarked woman, i had the choice to be unmarked, therefore no matter what iwnbaw.

and also you talk a lot about being AGP on this site. my question is why does it really matter, even if you are? there are people with foot fetishes who go on to be podiatrists, massage artists, etc, and nobody gets mad at them for basically choosing to indulge their fetish for the rest of their life.

existing as an autogynephile and larping as a woman is disgusting and sexist. it proliferates the idea of a patriarchal ideal of womanhood and therefore reinforces patriarchy, which actively harms and oppresses actual women. i picture it sort of like taking up bandwidth. i am taking space from women for myself and saying, “look at me, this is what a woman is” while being (at best) a poor facsimile of one based on sexist patriarchal perspectives that have been instilled in me and are inherent to my being as a man.

even if you actually are AGP, you still deserve to be happy […] being AGP isn’t an inherently bad thing

by merely existing in society, autogynephiles contribute to patriarchy and therefore to the oppression of real women. even if that damage is minimal, it would grow over time with increased comfort at being an autogynephile. As previously mentioned, if I become comfortable, i become more permissive of harmful behaviors which is unacceptable. i must be made painfully aware of my sin so that i might punish myself instead of others

you’re just a non-AGP trans woman who happens to hate herself severely. i just don’t think you can be AGP or AGAMP when you hate yourself so much for being a trans woman.

it’s actually super heckin’ vxlid to be AGP and hate yourself! i do it all the time :3

you living your life is […] contributing to the world in the process. be proud of yourself for that at the very least.

i’ll try, but again i’m very wary of the consequences of comfort, so we’ll see how it goes. i’ve been drawing some, maybe i’ll post something here eventually idk.

i don’t want you to feel sad reading or having read this, but i realize that i don’t know if i can facilitate that really without lying. maybe that would be more responsible. idk. i’m sorry but also obviously i’m a bad person for writing this and i hope you recognize that this entire website is a sort of emotional manipulation. i don’t mean to tell you what to do but you should probably stop visiting here. your time is best spent elsewhere.i would like it if you didn’t but that’s because i’m a parasocial attention whore who made a website to farm pity points.

i’m sorry. i hope you have a good day/night as well. i’m going to try and decide if i want to keep this website up.
inherent misogyny of being a [] Jan 9, 2026 - 2 min read -
Vent

I think being a [] is maybe inherently sexist. I claim to be a woman but I’m obviously not. I don’t look like one, I don’t act like one, I don’t sound or think like one. At best I can do my best impression of one, which will never be accurate because it is tainted by sexism as it stems from a patriarchal perspective. By the sin of my birth I will never know what it is like to be a woman. I have never and will never endure the tortures that women are forced to endure in our society. I will never understand what it is like. I will never be a woman because I never had that label forced on me, and I never suffered for it. Or at least I never suffered in the right way or enough. I am a mentally ill, attention-seeking, autistic man who has a perverse autogynephilic drive to pretend to be a woman, and if I ever detrans I’ll kill myself. What a disgusting, wretched existence.Death would, perhaps, be merciful, but mercy is not something I deserve. I should be made to suffer as long as possible because I am bereft of the ability to empathize. I must have suffering forced upon me such that I can become something akin to a person.
failure in optimal conditions Jan 4, 2026 - 4 min read -
Vent

I’d always gotten along better with girls than guys, idk I just clicked with them better. I didn’t have as many guy friends because of that. Whenever I’d play with my neighbor he’d call me a tomgirl bc I didn’t like playing rough, so eventually I stopped playing with him. In the first grade my best friend was a girl named Sally, and I think that’s where things started to change socially. Other students and even teachers would tease me and say that we were dating or in love or something. Some older kids at recess even forced us to do a mock wedding once. I didn’t like it and I was generally pretty angry because of that. I wasn’t interested in her in that way, she was just my friend, but everyone pushed their assumptions onto me and I hated it so much. It made me feel disgusting, it was maybe the first time i was forced to reckon with the fact that gender touches everything. I had a group of female friends through Sally but I got kicked out because everyone (including Sally) thought I just wanted to be her boyfriend. That and I got in fights sometimes with people for pushing false assumptions on me that I was too stupid to properly argue or even verbalize against. I got really mad at people for always telling lies about me like they were fact. I think I got into a fight with this girl Jessica once, but I’m not sure. I remember choking her but I don’t remember any surrounding context so it might have been imagined. Regardless i think they were right to eject me from the group because regardless of if I ever did actually do anything I thought of it because I was and am an angry, disgusting, violent man.

After that I spent a lot of time without friends until some guys and I started talking and they introduced me to pokemon. They became my closest friends for about a decade. That doesn’t mean I was close with them, though. I wasn’t raised religious, but i grew up in a religious area so people kept me at a distance if they ever found out, and of course they found out because I didn’t know it was something to be kept secret at the time. I was a friend of convenience for them. We would hang out at school and i would make them laugh and entertain them and when we got to middle and highschool i was Mexican so I would let them be casually racist and engage with it and encourage it, and I didn’t recognize what I was even doing, but that doesn’t excuse it. It was disgusting and I was and am disgusting. They would never hang out with me outside of school aside from some birthdays and the odd event. I sort of just accepted it because that’s how guys are friends I guess.

In middle school there were girls i was friends with but I kept them at a distance because I’d learned women and men are supposed to be divided at least somewhat, and I didn’t want to seem like a creep. And I was a creep. In highschool there was this girl named Laney. She was very pretty and looked similar-ish to me (I was repping at the time, since about 11 years old) and I wanted to look like her and bc repping had destroyed my brain i interpreted this as attraction. It was very shortlived but I know that I creeped her out because we didn’t know each other and sometimes she would just see me staring at her and I would try to give her things to idk win her affection or something idk what I was even trying to do but it was disgusting and horrible and I basically harassed this poor girl who I’m sure had enough problems as is being a girl at that school. God and I was repping I forgot about that, cause I only found out about transitioning through a game theory video which led me down a disgusting rabbit hole of agp porn on youtube for kids. Genuinely horrible i wish I wasn’t so fucking retarded. My parents would have been supportive i could’ve been at least on puberty blockers before 12 i could have been effectively cis but I repped because I wasn’t fucking jazz Jennings i wasn’t one of those fuckers who “always knew i was a girl” or whatever bullshit Jesus fucking christ. My life could’ve been so fucking good, or at least like better. Christ I was so fucking close and i didn’t fucking do anything about it because i was too fucking autistic and retarded to do anything but rep. I wouldn’t have even lost anything. I wouldn’t have had any friends probably, but I didn’t have any real friends anyways. I hate myself so fucking much
site redesign and chaser blogs Jan 3, 2026 - 1 min read -
Vent

So i started using hugo recently bc i was annoyed by having to copy/paste html like a chud especially since i was basically just using it for basic markdown stuff. I reconfigured how the website is styled a little bit, added back a basic landing page (maybe I’ll draw something so it looks nicer than it currently does but idk whatever) and now it’s fully up and running again. Though I could probably tweak how posts are displayed a bit, because i liked the old style but whatever.

Chatroom is down tho bc server issues on chattable’s end tho, so i put my discord there so if people really want to reach out they can, but again I’m fine and your time is definitely spent better elsewhere. Recently I’ve been reading through Halimede’s substack, as well as the blog of some weird new age chaser cult because chasers are very funny to me. I could probably write a lot about that cult, bc it’s genuinely so funny to me.

I wish I had irl friends.
hugo Dec 24, 2025 - 2 min read -
Vent Tech

instead of going to therapy (because the last time i tried i got kicked out) i decided to redo this website. originally it was all just html/js/css based on a template by nomnomnami, but writing any posts was pissing me off because it was an annoying amount of direct interfacing with html which i am not a fan of. So now I’m using hugo so i can use markdown like a chud because i’m not good enough to make something look good on my own without using like five extra tools to cheat.

Anyways hugo is alright. Installation was annoying bc installing Go is annoying and the apt packages are out of date so it was a whole thing. Also installing the neocities CLI was easy but i made it hard on purpose for no reason, but now i have rbenv fully set up if i ever decide to do ruby development. Who knows, fucking maybe right. Ruby on rails is still popular for web apps. Or maybe not anymore. Maybe I should just learn rust or something. idk. honestly kinda who even gives a shit about anything.

i’ve been trying to get better but it feels like i’ve hit a wall. i think probably it would help if i went to therapy, but it wouldn’t actually help because i wouldn’t talk about anything or even at all because even just saying (or frankly even typing) the word t[you know the rest] is incredibly difficult to me. the slur is super easy. anything that sounds venomous and hateful is way easier to say than any sort of neutral language. I’m still thinking of how/why i got kicked out of therapy last time. I wasn’t comfortable with talking and so they kicked me out after a few sessions of not saying anything. I guess, not like it was going to help anyways. i think therapy is a nice end goal, but at the moment it doesn’t really seem in any way feasible. It’d just cost me more than i can afford for no benefit like the last five or so times i tried.

i got a new job and i’m already fucking it up, and i’ve been sick for the past week. it could be worse, i could be in a way worse situation, my life is fine i’m just a miserable chud
i hate being a [] Dec 17, 2025 - 1 min read -
Vent

I hate being a [] so fucking much. I’m trying to not say the t-slur anymore per someone’s advice, but it’s literally the only thing that feels appropriate to say to describe myself. Like I can’t bring myself to even say the word transgender without it being part of some joke at the word itself, or my exepense. The way it crawls out my throat and sloughs off my tongue disgusts me, unlike the slur which is sharp and hateful which i think is why i can tolerate using it but feel sick to my stomach at the mere thought of the other word. Also I can feel my sanity wavering at the first fucking slightest obstacle in existence. [] has to research progesterone, what happens next will shock you!
optics nightmare Nov 27, 2025 - 1 min read -
Vent

I think i’m genuinely like an optics nightmare, like i’m a horrible insufferable person who’s too fucking retarded to hold down a job or fucking do anything i’m just a disgusting fucking perverted moid who serves no purpose and contributes nothing to society i probably should rope but i’m never going to because i’m too much of a fucking incompetent coward to even do the world a favor and fucking off myself i hate myself so fucking much