doing a check in ahead of time with my hair stylist and i feel like such a fucking chud. i have to take pictures of myself and my hideous agp curls, then i have to send references and it genuinely disgusts me. “I know I’m a hideous disgusting moid but please, oh please, would you make me look like this beautiful woman?”

it’s perverse. i’m implicating others in this fetish because otherwise i feel like fucking killing myself. doing anything that even marginally increases the quality of my life is to the detriment of everyone around me. like forcing people to pretend i’m a woman like i don’t just look like a faggot with long hair. it would probably be better for everyone if i just killed myself but i’m never going to do it because i’m selfish and my AGP is so deeply rooted and intwined with myself that i can’t ever get rid of it. i am an interloper, and i think i should be killed.