Recently I’ve been trying to gaslight myself into thinking I’m not AGP. I’m worried that if i don’t do this successfully, I’ll end up sabotaging my relationship with my boyfriend like what happened the last two times. Well. Those were different for a lot of reasons, but being agp and being weird about it and crying about it all the time certainly didn’t help. It wasn’t the biggest factor in either of those cases but again, not helpful. Things are going really well with my boyfriend rn despite everything, so i’m terrified thinking about when it’s all going to go wrong.

Anyways so I’ve been trying to gaslight myself into thinking i’m not AGP. I’ve been going slowly. I’ve stopped derrogatorily calling people woke when they gender me as female and recently I’ve been trying to avoid going out of my way to either gender myself as male or avoid gendering myself as a woman. It frankly feels kind of disgusting, because it feels like doing blackface almost. To claim that I am a woman (when obviously, I am not a woman and never will be despite what I wish was the case) is to claim that I understand what it means to be a woman, which I cannot. As a result my performance of womanhood is caricaturistic. In wanting to be a good partner to my boyfriend, I am reinforcing regressive stereotypes and attitudes about and towards women. To embrace this role is to embrace being a pawn of the patriarchy.

Recently I saw a post somewhere about how genuine transgender people are that way because of a sort of neurological intersex condition. That trans women, for example, are women because their brains are female brains. Effectively. I’m boiling down a lot of complicated science to the laymen’s takeaway i left with. This is cool and interesting but on a personal level doesn’t affect me at all because I am not a true transsexual. I am a perverted AGAMP man playing dress-up, and forcing everyone around me to play along. It is disgusting, perverse, and selfish.