I’d always gotten along better with girls than guys, idk I just clicked with them better. I didn’t have as many guy friends because of that. Whenever I’d play with my neighbor he’d call me a tomgirl bc I didn’t like playing rough, so eventually I stopped playing with him. In the first grade my best friend was a girl named Sally, and I think that’s where things started to change socially. Other students and even teachers would tease me and say that we were dating or in love or something. Some older kids at recess even forced us to do a mock wedding once. I didn’t like it and I was generally pretty angry because of that. I wasn’t interested in her in that way, she was just my friend, but everyone pushed their assumptions onto me and I hated it so much. It made me feel disgusting, it was maybe the first time i was forced to reckon with the fact that gender touches everything. I had a group of female friends through Sally but I got kicked out because everyone (including Sally) thought I just wanted to be her boyfriend. That and I got in fights sometimes with people for pushing false assumptions on me that I was too stupid to properly argue or even verbalize against. I got really mad at people for always telling lies about me like they were fact. I think I got into a fight with this girl Jessica once, but I’m not sure. I remember choking her but I don’t remember any surrounding context so it might have been imagined. Regardless i think they were right to eject me from the group because regardless of if I ever did actually do anything I thought of it because I was and am an angry, disgusting, violent man.

After that I spent a lot of time without friends until some guys and I started talking and they introduced me to pokemon. They became my closest friends for about a decade. That doesn’t mean I was close with them, though. I wasn’t raised religious, but i grew up in a religious area so people kept me at a distance if they ever found out, and of course they found out because I didn’t know it was something to be kept secret at the time. I was a friend of convenience for them. We would hang out at school and i would make them laugh and entertain them and when we got to middle and highschool i was Mexican so I would let them be casually racist and engage with it and encourage it, and I didn’t recognize what I was even doing, but that doesn’t excuse it. It was disgusting and I was and am disgusting. They would never hang out with me outside of school aside from some birthdays and the odd event. I sort of just accepted it because that’s how guys are friends I guess.

In middle school there were girls i was friends with but I kept them at a distance because I’d learned women and men are supposed to be divided at least somewhat, and I didn’t want to seem like a creep. And I was a creep. In highschool there was this girl named Laney. She was very pretty and looked similar-ish to me (I was repping at the time, since about 11 years old) and I wanted to look like her and bc repping had destroyed my brain i interpreted this as attraction. It was very shortlived but I know that I creeped her out because we didn’t know each other and sometimes she would just see me staring at her and I would try to give her things to idk win her affection or something idk what I was even trying to do but it was disgusting and horrible and I basically harassed this poor girl who I’m sure had enough problems as is being a girl at that school. God and I was repping I forgot about that, cause I only found out about transitioning through a game theory video which led me down a disgusting rabbit hole of agp porn on youtube for kids. Genuinely horrible i wish I wasn’t so fucking retarded. My parents would have been supportive i could’ve been at least on puberty blockers before 12 i could have been effectively cis but I repped because I wasn’t fucking jazz Jennings i wasn’t one of those fuckers who “always knew i was a girl” or whatever bullshit Jesus fucking christ. My life could’ve been so fucking good, or at least like better. Christ I was so fucking close and i didn’t fucking do anything about it because i was too fucking autistic and retarded to do anything but rep. I wouldn’t have even lost anything. I wouldn’t have had any friends probably, but I didn’t have any real friends anyways. I hate myself so fucking much