A while back I read Zoe Storm’s To Own The Libs. It’s fine, by which I mean it’s pretty good but has moments that feel almost like a 101 course on queer identity and transness which can be, at times, rather tiresome. Tiresome. Stupid word. Anyways To Own The Libs is about a particularly stupid trans woman who justifies trooning out by saying it’s to infiltrate the queer community and expose them for frauds. A major theme of the book is found family. She joins the gay club or whatever it’s called on campus and makes friends who she helps and they help her and that part of the story is rather sweet. At the end, she has the support of her friends when she plans to come out to her parents. It is emphasized that no matter what happens, everything will be fine because she has her found family, and with them is where her real home is.

Obviously overarching themes of belonging are broadly appealing, but I really love this specific subset of it. I think it’s extra fascinating to me as something of an outside observer. As an autogynephile i am not a genuine queer person, but i wish i was. Through that lens it makes sense why i would find this so compelling, and why it will always be out of reach.

In college i made no friends, not for lack of trying. attempts at small talk with classmates always went sour, no doubt dragged down by my disgusting honfident “girl"mode. I once spent several weeks trying to work up the nerve just to talk to a girl sitting next to me, just smalltalk. Once I finally did, she pretty much instantly shut me down and started sitting somewhere else. She probably thought i was trying to hit on her or something. In one class we had to separate into groups and everyone around me left so the professor had to assign me to one and i had an anxiety attack and cried for the rest of class, and i think people started avoiding me even harder after that. one time i got asked out by a chaser and i was so pathetic and desperate that i said yes and that was awful and uncomfortable. I tried joining a few clubs but everyone was already close friends with each other and because I’d joined late there wasn’t really any way i had to get closer with any of them. there was an lgbt center on campus and like a brood parasite i started going there, which was also terrible for several reasons:

  1. Whiteness. The overwhelming majority of people who visited the center at all, and all but 4 people (myself included) who visited with any more regularity than once a month was white. I found this to be a problem because people who just recently discovered their queer identity are the worst because it consumes their whole self for a while. This is bad enough as is but it’s even worse with white queers because they tend to forget during this stage, that they can be (and often are) super fucking racist. Usually not in intentional grand overt ways, but in disgustingly subtle ways, or spoken so casually it takes you a few moments to a few days to fully process.
  2. Transphobia. Of the four brown regulars, one was a nonbinary gigapassoid, one was the most beautiful woman i’d ever seen, and one was your average cism gay transphobe. He didn’t make a big thing of it, and he obviously supported his immediate friends, but through a lot of the things he said both publicly and in private, it was very obvious he didn’t respect the concept of transness.
  3. Sexual objectification. The aforementioned beautiful woman and i would later start dating shortly after i accidentally outed myself to her. She immediately started hitting on me and having no experience whatsoever besides a couple run-ins with chasers that thankfully didn’t go anywhere, i folded pretty quick. I was really into her but she just wanted sex so i coped for a while until she said we could start actually dating. She was polyamorous and was at the time also dating a racist white theyfab who hated me. One of the boundaries i’d established at the start of our relationship was that i’m not polyarmorous and thus didn’t want to have to date any of her partners or anything, she agreed to this and proceeded to basically force me to date her partner who didn’t want to talk to me, obviously hated me, and lied anytime they were asked about it. This was one of the bigger problems that would lead to the termination of our relationship, but second was when she asked me if she could have sex with the aforementioned nonbinary gigapassoid. I said that I wasn’t really comfortable with it. I mean, how could someone be comfortable with that, really. But I figured it’s her life and she can do what she wants and i secretly figured i could start a drinking habit. She decided not to until a few days later when she asked again more insistently. Like I’d already told her that i wasn’t comfortable with it but she could do what she wants, but it was almost as if she just wanted my enthusiastic consent to be cucked. I restated my answer and said she could if she wants to. Then she spent the entirety of the holidays very far away with her other partner’s family and when she got back i asked her as politely as i could phrase it if there was some sort of seniority and if i’d ever be a priority for her and she basically said that no i’d never be a priority for her so she broke up with me and then we never spoke again and that was how i celebrated graduating college.

So back to the broader point there, I couldn’t make friends outside the lgbt center because obviously, and i couldn’t make friends inside the lgbt center because they were all racist, transphobic, or just wanted to use me for sex. I think this was probably deserved because i think i am at my core a horrible evil person, so it’s probably for the best that i’m not in very many people’s lives. I’ve never seen Silence of the Lambs but I’ve seen a few scenes a few times and one quote that always sticks with me is, “Billy is not a real transsexual. But he thinks he is, he tries to be,” and bro that’s literally me fr. I lack a sort of indeterminable unattainable quality that leaves me bereft of virtue or true identity. I am a disgusting agp sissyboy faggot. this disgusting fetishistic need to pretend to be a woman no matter how uncanny and vile the guise has deservedly alienated me from the rest of humanity. I think there is nothing to really be done about this except maybe just pretend to be normal.