finch

i used to be friends with a closeted trans woman online. she wasn’t out to me but i sorta suspected and later turned out to be right. that’s not super relevant ig. we had a falling out bc of some stupid reason. she said something snide about my then boyfriend (who was the only person i was out to at the time). we got into this big fight and i blocked her and then she regretted it and started trying to apologize but it was still really raw so she was both apologizing and continuing the fight at the same time but it ended up with her running out of alt accounts and asking my boyfriend to talk to me because she was genuinely sorry for the argument and everything but i was still really pissed even tho the inciting reason for all of this literally didn’t matter bc my bf literally didn’t give a shit at all about any of it in the slightest. anyways i told him to tell her not to talk to me anymore and that was the end of it.

i think about her from time to time. we were both around the same age and very similar in a lot of ways. we were pretty good friends. not amazingly close or anything, but we were friends and we got along really well until then. i think about her sometimes, and i wonder how she’s doing, and i consider trying to reach out to apologize, but doing so would be kinda out of the way to the point of being sorta stalkerish, and probably the best apology i could offer her is to keep away from her and not waste her time with the ramblings of an autogynephile. i think reaching out to apologize would be selfish, as it wouldn’t be out of want to help her heal (my presence would only dredge up old wounds at best) any apology besides staying out of her life entirely would be self-motivated. to reach out is to seek forgiveness, which i don’t deserve. and my attention whore instincts yet linger and continue to drag the idea of reaching out back into my mind. it’s disgusting.

jake

in highschool i was friends with a lot of guys. None of them really liked me, they just let me hang around because i was funny because i was willing to go further with jokes because i wanted to kill myself and didn’t expect to live past 18 so i didn’t really care about social consequences. my usual group though was three guys: bryan, aaron, and mark. i was repping at the time because i was an idiot and because i was an idiot i probably honestly still haven’t really properly processed my relationship with those guys. sometimes i have dreams they appear in, and anytime they do, whatever was happening immediately shifts and now the dream is about them finding out i’m a [] (estrogenized gay male), and violating me, often violently. i think that’s probably because i’m a disgusting sex pervert so it’s probably safe to disregard as run of the mill AGP, but whatever.

anyways bryan had a friend named jake. jake was the most racist man i have ever personally met to the point i was legitimately frightened to be around him. later on i found his instagram and apparently he was at the jan 6th insurrection, which broadly tracks because even at the time when i knew him, he was incredibly racist and horrible.

one time me and my friends were hanging out at bryan’s house for his birthday. we weren’t really doing anything special to celebrate, just hanging out and talking. jack lived next door so after a bit he hopped the fence and started hanging out as well.

even now writing this i’m a frightened by the incredible improbability that he’d somehow find this site, read this post, deduce it’s about him, and figure out who i am and figure out that i’m a [] and track me down and kill me. i know rationally that this won’t happen, and i’m not scared enough that i’m not going to post this, but it is in my mind while writing this and it is the reason why this section is second despite me writing it first.

i don’t remember exactly what happened or how it happened but i think circumstance led to jack wrestling with the rest of us (more like roughousing ig, idrk). he grabbed me and i couldn’t really do anything bc i was a pathetic weak faglet and he grabbed my shoulders and my chest and my waist and my hips and he started thrusting his hips into me and it was painful and i tried to get him to stop but i couldn’t fight back and everyone else was laughing so i laughed too and he bent me over a car and held me down against the hood and kept humping me until he got bored and he did sort of the same with aaron and mark but they were both in track and they were strong enough to push back and they were laughing so i laughed and i don’t remember the order of things. at some point we all sat back down and i was sore and sort of zoned out and jack hopped the fence back to his house without saying anything and i thought he might come back with a gun and kill me (because he really hated mexicans especially, and he seemed like the kind of guy who had easy access to guns) so i called my mom and left before he came back.

i don’t like thinking about any of that. i hate myself in part because i think part of me likes that it happened, or wishes he’d actually assaulted me because if i was a victim of sexual violence then i would be closer to being a woman and i know that’s not how that works and i know it’s disgusting and incredibly disrespectful to actual victims and it’s insanely fucking sexist and it makes me legitimately sick anytime i think about this because all these thoughts are tied in with it and i wish i could kill the part of me that has these thoughts i wish i could kill the narcissistic autogynephile that reminds me of this just to pretend he’s actually suffered as a woman i wish i could kill the part of myself that coopts the narratives of sexual assault survivors to try and relate and take the spotlight and be so heckin vxlid my soul is impure i am this way because i was deservedly cursed i brought all this on ymself for being such a rotten thing i am a disgusting pervert who has committed unforgivable sin and i need to be made to suffer i need to be tortured in hell for the visions and words my mind has conjured i am impure i am not impure i am impurity manifest i am the impurity i am not inherently unclean i am the uncleanliness i am not the sinner i am the sin the sin is too narcissistic i am a sin i am not a person there is no salvation for me there should and can be no salvation for me i am an evil i am a stain