In response to ruinedgirl

In order to try and keep my thoughts organized, I’m going to go point by point in my response.

i’m really sorry if this is random/stupid/weird but reading your posts whenever they appear just fills me with a profound sense of sadness. and i don’t mean to insinuate that you’re an attention seeker or anything, i’ve just found myself empathizing with you more and more.

i don’t think you writing this is random, stupid, or weird because this is the exact sort of behavior that this website was designed to engineer. you may not mean to insinuate it, but it is true that i am an attention-whore. i don’t mean to come off as argumentative (especially not this early) but it is a fact that in making this website and by maintaining it i was and am selfishly seeking attention for my own gratification. reading even just this first part has made me seriously consider taking this site down because i think in leaving it up i am only extending pain onto others. obviously i’m not going to do that though because i’m a selfish whore and despite what i’d like to believe i don’t actually care about others, which is why i must be made to suffer such that i can maybe one day have the capacity for empathy of a normal person. i am a selfish, deeply unempathetic person and by posting this i am actively and directly hurting at the very least you, ruinedgirl, as by your own admission reading these posts makes you profoundly sad. i think that is a horrible thing to do to another person and yet i’m still writing this and i’m still going to post it and i’m not sure why i am like this and i think i should probably be entirely isolated from society.

i think you’re a good person. the thing with truly terrible people is that they either blame others for their issues or don’t acknowledge that they’re sad in the first place. you both blame yourself for everything wrong in your life while being hyperaware of all of your flaws, both real and perceived. i just think you should lighten up on yourself.

i disagree with the notion that being aware of one’s flaws and the true origins of them in any way nullifies culpability for those flaws. i am aware that i am wasting everyone’s time and energy by writing this, and i am aware that it is because i am a loathsome thing, but that does not make me any less responsible for my own actions, and the result of those actions is overall negative.

As for lightening up on myself, i don’t think that would be a very good decision because when i have in the past i’d get comfortable and comfort invariably leads to… not recidivism, i can’t quite think of an adequate word, but it leads to repeating negative behaviors without awareness of them in the moment. if i am at least aware of my horribleness then i will at least be made to suffer immediately for any wrongdoing which is probably not as harsh as i deserve, but i think it is at least somewhat helpful. while it might not prevent me from doing things like this, it will make me feel awful for doing them so maybe one day i’ll finally stop.

like when i was reading your most recent post, the first thing i thought about was that all groups of women have their different problems, and not having the same problems as other women is literally a part of being one. […] so why should having problems exclusive to trans women make you less of a woman? they’re still problems that are experienced by a woman, even if they’re only experienced by a specific group of women. hell, the things you described at the start are experienced by women all across the world. […] there are even cis women out there who have literally never experienced sexism because of where they live. don’t exclude yourself from being a woman just because you think you don’t experience the same problems, circumstances, etc, as other women. you’re suffering right now for being a woman, and even if it’s not from being cat-called or receiving lower wages than a man or whatever, you’re most certainly tormenting yourself for being a woman.

obviously, i can’t really speak to what it is like to be a woman, but when thinking about the suffering forced upon women in all aspects of society, i often recall Deborah Tannen’s There Is No Unmarked Woman (direct pdf download). It’s only about a page long, so I’d recommend you read it. But the point with bringing it up is that even at a fundamental linguistic level, being a woman is a role that is put upon women. the role of woman is in many ways like an underclass in patriarchal society. While some women may not directly experience overt sexism (such as workplace mistreatment or harassment) all women, regardless of where they are or who they are, experience some form of markedness by the fact of being a woman in ways they may not even be fully aware of since they are instilled from birth (race and class also play an important role in determining how being a woman affects one’s life, like an upper class black woman will have a very different relationship with femininity than a lower class white woman though both experience privilege in some ways they lack privilege in others and the way that intersects with being a woman is different, but intersectionality is sort of out of the scope of this letter right now).

i am a man. i had the choice not to be marked, but i chose to be a [] due to persistent, early-onset autogynephilia. even if the problems i have now were to overlap perfectly with those of a comparable (though obviously as a man i cannot be compared to any woman in this sense) woman, they would still be inherently different because this is a markedness that i chose rather than one that was forced upon me. there is no unmarked woman, i had the choice to be unmarked, therefore no matter what iwnbaw.

and also you talk a lot about being AGP on this site. my question is why does it really matter, even if you are? there are people with foot fetishes who go on to be podiatrists, massage artists, etc, and nobody gets mad at them for basically choosing to indulge their fetish for the rest of their life.

existing as an autogynephile and larping as a woman is disgusting and sexist. it proliferates the idea of a patriarchal ideal of womanhood and therefore reinforces patriarchy, which actively harms and oppresses actual women. i picture it sort of like taking up bandwidth. i am taking space from women for myself and saying, “look at me, this is what a woman is” while being (at best) a poor facsimile of one based on sexist patriarchal perspectives that have been instilled in me and are inherent to my being as a man.

even if you actually are AGP, you still deserve to be happy […] being AGP isn’t an inherently bad thing

survey says

by merely existing in society, autogynephiles contribute to patriarchy and therefore to the oppression of real women. even if that damage is minimal, it would grow over time with increased comfort at being an autogynephile. As previously mentioned, if I become comfortable, i become more permissive of harmful behaviors which is unacceptable. i must be made painfully aware of my sin so that i might punish myself instead of others

you’re just a non-AGP trans woman who happens to hate herself severely. i just don’t think you can be AGP or AGAMP when you hate yourself so much for being a trans woman.

it’s actually super heckin’ vxlid to be AGP and hate yourself! i do it all the time :3

you living your life is […] contributing to the world in the process. be proud of yourself for that at the very least.

i’ll try, but again i’m very wary of the consequences of comfort, so we’ll see how it goes. i’ve been drawing some, maybe i’ll post something here eventually idk.

i don’t want you to feel sad reading or having read this, but i realize that i don’t know if i can facilitate that really without lying. maybe that would be more responsible. idk. i’m sorry but also obviously i’m a bad person for writing this and i hope you recognize that this entire website is a sort of emotional manipulation. i don’t mean to tell you what to do but you should probably stop visiting here. your time is best spent elsewhere.i would like it if you didn’t but that’s because i’m a parasocial attention whore who made a website to farm pity points.

i’m sorry. i hope you have a good day/night as well. i’m going to try and decide if i want to keep this website up.