instead of going to therapy (because the last time i tried i got kicked out) i decided to redo this website. originally it was all just html/js/css based on a template by nomnomnami, but writing any posts was pissing me off because it was an annoying amount of direct interfacing with html which i am not a fan of. So now I’m using hugo so i can use markdown like a chud because i’m not good enough to make something look good on my own without using like five extra tools to cheat.

Anyways hugo is alright. Installation was annoying bc installing Go is annoying and the apt packages are out of date so it was a whole thing. Also installing the neocities CLI was easy but i made it hard on purpose for no reason, but now i have rbenv fully set up if i ever decide to do ruby development. Who knows, fucking maybe right. Ruby on rails is still popular for web apps. Or maybe not anymore. Maybe I should just learn rust or something. idk. honestly kinda who even gives a shit about anything.

i’ve been trying to get better but it feels like i’ve hit a wall. i think probably it would help if i went to therapy, but it wouldn’t actually help because i wouldn’t talk about anything or even at all because even just saying (or frankly even typing) the word t[you know the rest] is incredibly difficult to me. the slur is super easy. anything that sounds venomous and hateful is way easier to say than any sort of neutral language. I’m still thinking of how/why i got kicked out of therapy last time. I wasn’t comfortable with talking and so they kicked me out after a few sessions of not saying anything. I guess, not like it was going to help anyways. i think therapy is a nice end goal, but at the moment it doesn’t really seem in any way feasible. It’d just cost me more than i can afford for no benefit like the last five or so times i tried.

i got a new job and i’m already fucking it up, and i’ve been sick for the past week. it could be worse, i could be in a way worse situation, my life is fine i’m just a miserable chud