I just finished watching season four of the Umbrella Academy and jesus fucking christ what a shit fucking show pissed me off so fucking much. I stopped after season 3 bc I got so annoyed that literally every season is everyone just repeating the same exact fucking arcs and the characters’ personalities were not saving it for me anymore. So anyways like, fucking, hold on I need to make this like a read more bc I’m going to talk about this for a fucking while.

Okay so spoilers for Umbrella Academy, obviously, but honestly I would literally recommend not watching it because it was such a fucking waste of like. idk how many episodes are there? And they’re all like 40 minutes to an hour? Four seasons, 10 episodes for the first three, 6 for the last one, so that’s like idk 36 episodes let’s say at like 50 minutes each. That’s like fucking… 1800 minutes, divide by 60 so that’s like 30 fucking hours of my goddamn life. Don’t watch this shitass fucking show.

  • Here’s how literally every fucking season of the umbrella academy works:
  • Luther and Viktor have daddy issues, Klaus is abusing substances, Diego is trying to be a cool detective guy, Allison is reduced to a stereotype who is auxiliary to the white characters
  • Five and Viktor are the only ones who do anything related to the plot
  • Klaus is put into the worst situations imaginable and no one gives a shit
  • Viktor gets distracted from the main plot bc he’s mad about his dad like they weren’t all abused like bro i get it it sucked but why are you pissed that you didn’t get groomed into a murderer as a child bro fucking get over it
  • B plot following the villains where stuff of consequence actually happens
  • Five sorta pursues main plot stuff then gets distracted aura farming
  • Viktor gets near plot stuff but then gets distracted because he sucks shit at fucking everything he fucking does i hate him so fucking much
  • World ends (they caused it)
  • Hard character arc reset
  • (Bonus!) Weird kinda-incest plot happens for no reason

Like literally the only reason I watched this shitass show is because I kinda like the fuckass time travel shit Five’s always on, and the actor is really good and everyone’s acted pretty well for the most part and the characters’ personalities are compelling enough but when they just keep getting reset it just gets so fucking tiring and it ends up just like shit’s happening for no reason. Like I scrubbed most of season 3 from my mind because that whole fuckass hotel was so fucking stupid, and like what was even the point of half of the shit happening. Like 90% of this show is just generating dramatic irony for no reason or like, “hey wouldn’t it be funny if this happened?” like yeah i guess it’d be kinda weird if hargreves killed luther and klaus was in ghost hell but like idk what does that have to do with anything? Anyways I’m gonna talk about season 4 specifically for a while.

So in season three, they get raptured from the 60’s into another timeline where the other magic children + Ben got turned into the sparrow academy instead of the umbrella academy and it’s like, “oh that’s kinda fun and tropey” and it’s like you’d think they’d be like interesting foils to the characters in some way, but not fucking really! They just made Ben an asshole and Luther fucks his not-sister again! Wow! Second time for him! Great show. Then there’s a fucking hotel and idek man like, i literally don’t remember when it becomes about the hotel and then they reset everything and everyone’s mad at Allison because she did it instead of ending the world bc Five was like, “we need to do this thing to stop the world from ending” and then- like idk i didn’t even understand any of what was going on at the time. Shitass season. They killed some kid from berlin for no reason also, idk. That’s actually another thing: like everyone in this show is like a crazy mass murderer but they never talk about that at all, like no one’s ever like, “hey man it’s kinda fucked up that our eccentric british alien dad made us kill people and now we don’t value the lives of others or our own” like no one fucking talks about that they just kill people but then the tone completely shifts from comic bullshit to serious drama bullshit and Viktor’s like, “my dad abused me…” LIKE YEAH. BUT BRO. YOU JUST KILLED TWELVE PEOPLE. OKAY???????? And like it’s always like a combat situation but it’s like, fucking, those were indoctrinated cultists and like they’re so opposed this whole season to killing Ben (a version of him who is NOT their brother, and is an asshole and who hates them) but everyone’s just killing everyone and doing crazy shit. Like Allison almost kills a guy in front of her daughter and that just doesn’t get brought up again???? Like hello??????? Ray should’ve taken that damn kid just like in season 1 holy shit.

Anyways so fucking, they all hate each other and everyone’s estranged and doing their own shit and like, Luther is living in a condemned building but Lilah who’s a stay-at-home mom and Diego who’s an amazon delivery driver can afford a beautiful house in the suburbs and raise three children like?????? What????? Like they’re not even estranged they’re like some of the few who actually are still in contact with each other and like- idk. Like point is there’s just a lot going on and it’s post time skip and Lila and Diego are married with three children and also she has a family which is weird because I thought she was a time travel assassin whose parents were killed when she was a kid but idk maybe it got resolved sometime in season 3 or like end of season 2 i literally don’t know, it was so long ago. Also they’re all powerless and washed up except Five who’s a CIA agent who’s not suspicious AT ALL of his boss who’s OBVIOUSLY in on the fuckass apocalypse conspiracy. They fucking, decide to help some guy rescue his daughter. They have some superpower juice with them also, and they decide to have it be an all or nothing vote to see if they get their powers back or not, and Ben, who stole the bottle and could’ve just given himself his own powers, decides to make an executive decision for a bunch of assholes he ISN’T RELATED TO AND DOES NOT KNOW and who HE HATES. He decides to fucking make all of them superpowered again for no reason. Idk. Whatever. Who gives a shit about anything anymore.

So fucking they’re all jerking off in some town and then everyone attacks them and it’s hargreves goons and they were all keeping this girl jennifer safe and literally if they just didn’t start shooting everyone then they wouldn’t have even fucking found jennifer, some fucking mcguffin girl who is NOT explained at all. Meanwhile the Keepers, Gene and Jean kidnap her because the chud academy brings her right to them so they can start the Cleanse (evil apocalypse to restore just one sacred timeline) and fucking whatever who cares. Gene and Jean eventually let her and Ben escape bc they’re in lesbians together and them fucking ends the world or whatever but they pretend like they don’t know that’s how it works for… idk. Anyways they fuck off and assemble the cultist goons meanwhile Five and Lila get trapped in a subway time prison for seven years and live in a gayass strawberry field and Five finds out how to get back but doesn’t immediately tell her (bro waited like five months like actually incel behavior, like I’d understand some hesitancy bc it sucks shit out there but like come on bro, she literally has a family and children that need her are you insane, think about more than just your dick bro) anyways that’s not as incesty as any of luther’s romances but he’s coveting his brother’s wife so i’m counting it as incident 2.5. While Allison and Klaus are indulging their problematic boundary-less relationship that neither of them have matured from across all four seasons of the show (even though it’s fucking explicitly pointed out) in some fucking Z plot that doesn’t matter at all. Also at the same time Diego and Luther also are like, “oh wow Five’s boss is in on it” but they don’t actually do anything and by the time they find out it literally doesn’t matter so everyone just goes to Lila and Diego’s house for christmas dinner except Viktor who’s on a roadtrip with his dad and trying to convince him he can use his gary stu powers to save ben AND the world (spoilers: he fucking can’t because he’s a piece of shit loser who can’t do anything right since he’s too busy whining about his daddy issues to ever just explain anything clearly).

That’s actually another thing: no one in this fucking show ever just explains shit, they always gotta be vague for no reason. Like Viktor could’ve been like, “dude if i get the marigold out of you real quick I can stop you from becoming the blob and also you and your girlfriend can go back to fucking and everything can be fine, otherwise dad’s going to kill you” Like if he just said that he could’ve tried before it was too late. Like jesus christ. Also again the whole Klaus arc, he had all his character development hard reset in episode 3 because he decided like, “oh i have superpowers again, now I’m going to become a sex slave and smoke vodka” like what are we on about man, like he did that to cope with being haunted his whole life and that just isn’t a problem anymore bc he fucking self-actualized (kinda) in the last season but he’s just like abused for like two whole episodes for no reason. Idek, man. Whatever. Anyways point is they’re all at the end of the world and then Five goes back to his incel subway time dungeon because Lila broke up with him after he and diego got into a fight about it and he found a deli with a bunch of washed up versions of him just hanging out and he immediately decides like, “wow i should kill myself fr” and then he convinces everyone including lila (after she rescues their families by putting them in the fuckass time chamber) to just let the end of the world happen and then everything’ll be fine. Then there’s a fucking retvrn ass park where everyone’s happy because suicide is always the answer! Oh and then there’s a behind the scenes clipshow at the end of the half-length season.

I’m literally not even going to talk about how Gene and Jean were literally completely inconsequential characters, and how Hargreves’s alien wife just like, is there and ends the world because. Like, look. This show. Is so shit. It had a decent opening, like post-timeskip, some of the characters had actually changed, and I was thinking, “wow… maybe they’ll actually finally self-actualize in this season, maybe Allison’s issues will be resolved for once in a way that doesn’t just make her into a racist stereotype of an angry black woman… wow I like this new Klaus thing, and wow all of this is really fun and interesting” then it all goes to shit immediately. I fucking hate this fuckass show. Besides like episodes 1 and 2 the only bit i liked was lila and five’s thing not because I thought it was particularly good (like it was kinda really stupid) but i got to autogynephilically project myself onto lila bc five is really fucking hot in season 4 but that doesn’t matter at all to the plot and it’s just a weird thing that happens for no reason. Idk. Whatever.

Stupid fuckass show, shitass fucking season, shitass fucking show. Five was probably the only reason i ever watched this show even as a kid, very good actor, really fucking hot in s4, i’m really fucking agp, but i’m not going to rope about it bc that ending was so fucking stupid it convinced me more than i already was that suicide is never the answer.