vivarism

yeah

I had a good and surprisingly productive conversation with anonymousvoid earlier today, and because of it I think I’m going to try and visit a nearby gamestore tomorrow just to scope the place out. I’ve been there before to pick up a game or two, but never when there were really people around. They have a second room with tables for people to play at and everything, but I don’t know how that works really and all the events on their website are for mtg and card games idk how to play and i can’t afford to be into card games. Anyways I guess goal for tomorrow is just to do that if I have time, and maybe ask if people have open groups or run ttrpgs there or something. Idk.

Now about that screenshot

The above screengrab is an excerpt from neocities user vivarism, whose page i found by searching autogynephilia. This was probably not a good decision on my part, and I probably shouldn’t have read any of the stuff she has on her site but I did anyways. I sort of have a problem with that. About a month ago, my partner convinced me to stop going on 4tran and they described my habit of doomscrolling as a form of self harm. I don’t know if i’d go that far because i feel like that sort of diminishes people who engage in real, tangible self-harm but I guess that’s not really relevant to the subject at hand. Anyways point is, I read a couple short essays from vivarism and she identifies (or at least identified at the time of writing) as a misandrist and is a lesbian. I realized just a minute ago that there is a discrepancy here, and I think I’ll talk about that before getting on with dooming about my inability to get pregnant.

This is a paragraph or two up from the first screenshot and it describes fairly viscerally her thoughts on pregnancy seemingly viewing it (at least in part) as a tool of patriarchal domination. I read this, and then after a few paragraphs I read the first screenshot and I think maybe my mind blanked out everthing before that because I immediately just latched onto that sentence, “but one thing he’ll never, ever, ever be is pregnant.” I don’t think I want to have kids (not that it matters anyways because I can’t) and knowing that I can hardly take care of myself, I know for certain I’d be a terrible parent. Despite this, the reason I locked onto this so immediately is because I think about this often and it makes me feel sick and hollow. I think this is because I’m AGP.

This is similar to the concept of meta-attraction, I think. With meta-attraction, it’s the idea that an agp who claims to be attracted to men isn’t actually attracted to men, but is actually attracted to the idea of being with a man because it proves them to be a woman which is what actually gets them off. In this case, the idea of being a mother and raising a child (something only women can do) would prove that I am a woman, and that’s why I like the idea and somehow i’ve rooted it so deep in my mind that any time i think about raising a child it makes me cry.I’m sorry I’m probably not making sense right now, I’m tired and now i’m trying not to cry about the fact I’ll never get to raise a child or teach them how to read or watch them do everything for the first time and i was going to link this back to vivarism and how my agp got in the way of understanding her point that trans women can never be victimized as significantly as real women bc i got so distracted by the fact i can’t get pregnant but it’s too upsetting to the point where i can barely type or think at all so I think I’m going to call the post there