Matpat Gametheory ruined my life and auto-ed my gynephilia. In the video Game Theory: Are Video Games Anti-LGBT?, he talks about drag and final fantasy 7 for a bit before moving into the more serious topic of anti-lgbt messaging in games. He lists a plethora of examples of good representation being censored in north america, and bad representation making it through, with only very few touchstones for uncensored positive representation. This post isn’t about that, though. This is about a game he mentions after the video is over, called dys4ia.

Dys4ia is a flash game by Anna Anthropy that has the player experience small snippets of what she went through during the early stages of her medical transition. The game itself is good, especially for the time. It was one of, if not the first introduction i had to the concept of transness. Even at the time I didn’t fully understand what was happening, because I was too young to really comprehend the narrative. I just remember understanding the very basic idea of changing overtime, and being a woman, and that really resonnated with me.

And then it all went wrong

The problem with being a young tranny with unrestricted internet access is that you will look into things that will lead you to bad places. Like Matpat points out in the game theory episode, there weren’t (and aren’t) a lot of good examples of positive trans representation, and the places i found any representation at all were disgusting fetishistic places where trans bodies were gawked at like a lurid freakshow. Less poetically, I looked for trannies and found only fetish porn. It genuinely disgusts me more than anything, but I’m not sure I can point to what specifically disgusts me most, or if it’s just a combination.

  • There’s the fetishization, for one. Trannies only being allowed to exist as part of some sissy fetish for the submission of a weaker male, or something like that. Also the simultaneous hate of and desire for trans bodies like a form of sexualized body horror.
  • The fact that was all there was. That looking more into transness from dys4ia took me to news stories online about trannies being killed and butchered, fetish animations, and sissy hypno. That even the two other non-negative examples i can even think of at the time (Jazz Jennings showcased on TLC, the same channel wherein freaks are gawked at for the normie’s amusement; laverne cox on orange is the new black) were muddled by the gaze of cissoids.
  • And there’s also the horrible role I played, by engaging with this content and feeding my feelings of autogynephilia, but not actually fucking acting on it. As an adolescent I knew about hormones and surgeries and obsessively researched bottom surgery specifically, watching video renders explaining the process fueled by a disgusting agamp compulsion.

If I wasn’t a disgusting freak I wouldn’t have done any of that and I would’ve lived a normal life, but instead i repped until i turned 18, well after it was too late for anything to fucking happen. And I think that’s maybe the most disgusting part, that I wish so desperately that I was just a little less of a fucking puritan chud because if i was just unrepentantly agp i would’ve been able to get on hormones before puberty, or at least blockers, and I could fulfill all of the deviant desires i wish i didn’t have. I could get along with women, and I could pass as one to myself to the point where i would probably even be able to tune out any sort of conscience i’d have telling me how disgusting i am for being an autogynephile. I could be a normal fucking person but instead i’m this disgusting malebrained freak who can’t even stick to the most basic of routines to save his pathetic existence. I fucking hate myself so fucking much and I’m such a fucking stupid attention whore for even posting this at all. I’m typing this right now, knowing that hitting save and updating the website proves that I get off on being miserable bc im agamp, but I’m going to do it fucking anyways. Whatever. Who even gives a shit.