this is a blog i made because i have no community :)

i have no irl friends, i know very few other trans people, and the ones i do i can’t relate to at all. They’re all entirely normal with interests and friends and a life ahead of them and they go to school or they have real jobs and they don’t seem like the simple fact of being a tranny upsets them very much if at all.

Literally Me

Art by an @anonnette40524

recently i went to a support group. it was the only one of two i could find, and it was over zoom (because of course it was). i didn’t talk at all and just listened to these people talk about their problems and they seemed like normal people and they were even proud of being trans. “Trans people are strong as fuck” and all that. I don’t think that’s true in my case. I don’t think I’m particularly strong at all, and I think the only reason I haven’t roped is because i lucked out and ended up with good parents and a few good friends (online friends) early on. Also all of these people seemed to be in the very early stages of transitioning to the point where their struggles seemed almost entirely foreign to me. What do you say to someone who’s pre-everything? I don’t know anymore.

Maybe that’s telling of the kind of person I am more than anything else. Like I’m so deeply unempathetic that the mere notion of relating to someone I’m not in the exact same position as is alien to the point where i literally don’t know what to say. I’m also incredibly judgemental. Anytime i see someone i think looks clocky, that’s my first thought, and my second and third as well. I see them as clocky, I identify what the problem is, and then what they could do about it (if anything). I genuinely hate that I’m like this and I don’t know how to change. I tried going to therapy but every time i tried to tell my therapist even that i am trans and that it disgusts me, i felt physically sick to the point of a complete inability to communicate. And this group therapy support group thing, I can’t talk about this shit either because literally just expressing that shit is like a cognitohazard and it’s irresponsible of me to suggest that it doesn’t actually get better and that if anything it gets worse. But even that’s just me fucking larping. I’m so fucking agamp that i make myself suffer on purpose and i trick myself into thinking my life is worse than it is so i can pretend i’m a real tranny.I fucking hate myself so fucking much. I hate all trannies, most of all myself. I want to be different but I literally don’t know how and anytime I’ve expressed this in the past it’s alienated whoever i told it to to the point where they stop talking to me.

This is sort of my last shot, I guess. Just screaming into the void in the narcissistic hope that someone will see this and feel bad enough reading it that they send me a message for me to get disgustingly parasocial about.