I can't even think of a joke or an agp deflection, I'm still thinking about how I'll never be a mother. Anytime I think about that I'm devastated in a way I don't know how to convey. I wish I was a real woman.
Maple Pecan Pie
This is the second pie I've baked and it turned out really well. Better than the first one, which was also very good but the crust turned out too tough. I think I slightly over-floured the first crust, and also i used shortening, so it was a little hard to cut into, but it tasted good. This crust I used butter instead and I added in like somewhere between 1 and 2 tablespoons of sugar so it had a good amount of sweetness to it as well (about as sweet as bread, which is good bc the maple pecan filling was really sweet)
You'll need at least 1 mixing bowl (though I recommend 2), 1 fork, 1 knife, 1 whisk, a 9 inch pie tray, as well as measuring cups and spoons. A pastry cutter or stand mixer also helps but isn't necessary. Also a rolling pin can help if you're super concerned about the crust. Also you'll need an oven, obviously.
Store-bought is perfectly fine
I'm recalling from memory so i might get some of the details wrong.
I used this recipe pictured below:
1 hour cooling period is not optional. Pecan pie stores really well, as long as you cover it in the fridge. I personally baked mine I think a little too long, by like a few minutes. It was probably done at ~35 minutes at 375, but i let it go a little longer and some of the pecans on top got a little darker than I intended, but I honestly wasn't mad at it in the end. Best served with whipped cream, I'd recommend something homemmade bc it's easy (just mix heavy whipping cream and some sugar for a couple minutes) and you can get something a little less sweet than store bought whipped cream, that way it sorta balances out how sweet the pie filling is.
Making the crust is the harder of the two parts, but it can be very rewarding if you do it. Though, it's made much much easier with less clean-up if you just use a store-bought pie crust, and maybe cheaper too depending on how often you bake, cause I've never seen flour sold in anything less than a big bag. I'm planning on making some variation of pecan pie for thanksgiving as well as a really good coffee cake recipe I found about a month back. Both of those keep really well so I think it'll be ideal since I can make it the day before and then not have to worry about making anything day-of before heading out. Maybe if i become good enough at baking, my uncle will stop misgendering me.
yeah
I had a good and surprisingly productive conversation with anonymousvoid earlier today, and because of it I think I'm going to try and visit a nearby gamestore tomorrow just to scope the place out. I've been there before to pick up a game or two, but never when there were really people around. They have a second room with tables for people to play at and everything, but I don't know how that works really and all the events on their website are for mtg and card games idk how to play and i can't afford to be into card games. Anyways I guess goal for tomorrow is just to do that if I have time, and maybe ask if people have open groups or run ttrpgs there or something. Idk.
The above screengrab is an excerpt from neocities user vivarism, whose page i found by searching autogynephilia. This was probably not a good decision on my part, and I probably shouldn't have read any of the stuff she has on her site but I did anyways. I sort of have a problem with that. About a month ago, my partner convinced me to stop going on 4tran and they described my habit of doomscrolling as a form of self harm. I don't know if i'd go that far because i feel like that sort of diminishes people who engage in real, tangible self-harm but I guess that's not really relevant to the subject at hand. Anyways point is, I read a couple short essays from vivarism and she identifies (or at least identified at the time of writing) as a misandrist and is a lesbian. I realized just a minute ago that there is a discrepancy here, and I think I'll talk about that before getting on with dooming about my inability to get pregnant.
This is a paragraph or two up from the first screenshot and it describes fairly viscerally her thoughts on pregnancy seemingly viewing it (at least in part) as a tool of patriarchal domination. I read this, and then after a few paragraphs I read the first screenshot and I think maybe my mind blanked out everthing before that because I immediately just latched onto that sentence, "but one thing he'll never, ever, ever be is pregnant." I don't think I want to have kids (not that it matters anyways because I can't) and knowing that I can hardly take care of myself, I know for certain I'd be a terrible parent. Despite this, the reason I locked onto this so immediately is because I think about this often and it makes me feel sick and hollow. I think this is because I'm AGP.
This is similar to the concept of meta-attraction, I think. With meta-attraction, it's the idea that an agp who claims to be attracted to men isn't actually attracted to men, but is actually attracted to the idea of being with a man because it proves them to be a woman which is what actually gets them off. In this case, the idea of being a mother and raising a child (something only women can do) would prove that I am a woman, and that's why I like the idea and somehow i've rooted it so deep in my mind that any time i think about raising a child it makes me cry.I'm sorry I'm probably not making sense right now, I'm tired and now i'm trying not to cry about the fact I'll never get to raise a child or teach them how to read or watch them do everything for the first time and i was going to link this back to vivarism and how my agp got in the way of understanding her point that trans women can never be victimized as significantly as real women bc i got so distracted by the fact i can't get pregnant but it's too upsetting to the point where i can barely type or think at all so I think I'm going to call the post there
Do you guys think mr house would know what agp is
pollMatpat Gametheory ruined my life and auto-ed my gynephilia. In the video Game Theory: Are Video Games Anti-LGBT?, he talks about drag and final fantasy 7 for a bit before moving into the more serious topic of anti-lgbt messaging in games. He lists a plethora of examples of good representation being censored in north america, and bad representation making it through, with only very few touchstones for uncensored positive representation. This post isn't about that, though. This is about a game he mentions after the video is over, called dys4ia.
Dys4ia is a flash game by Anna Anthropy that has the player experience small snippets of what she went through during the early stages of her medical transition. The game itself is good, especially for the time. It was one of, if not the first introduction i had to the concept of transness. Even at the time I didn't fully understand what was happening, because I was too young to really comprehend the narrative. I just remember understanding the very basic idea of changing overtime, and being a woman, and that really resonnated with me.
The problem with being a young tranny with unrestricted internet access is that you will look into things that will lead you to bad places. Like Matpat points out in the game theory episode, there weren't (and aren't) a lot of good examples of positive trans representation, and the places i found any representation at all were disgusting fetishistic places where trans bodies were gawked at like a lurid freakshow. Less poetically, I looked for trannies and found only fetish porn. It genuinely disgusts me more than anything, but I'm not sure I can point to what specifically disgusts me most, or if it's just a combination.
If I wasn't a disgusting freak I wouldn't have done any of that and I would've lived a normal life, but instead i repped until i turned 18, well after it was too late for anything to fucking happen. And I think that's maybe the most disgusting part, that I wish so desperately that I was just a little less of a fucking puritan chud because if i was just unrepentantly agp i would've been able to get on hormones before puberty, or at least blockers, and I could fulfill all of the deviant desires i wish i didn't have. I could get along with women, and I could pass as one to myself to the point where i would probably even be able to tune out any sort of conscience i'd have telling me how disgusting i am for being an autogynephile. I could be a normal fucking person but instead i'm this disgusting malebrained freak who can't even stick to the most basic of routines to save his pathetic existence. I fucking hate myself so fucking much and I'm such a fucking stupid attention whore for even posting this at all. I'm typing this right now, knowing that hitting save and updating the website proves that I get off on being miserable bc im agamp, but I'm going to do it fucking anyways. Whatever. Who even gives a shit.
This morning someone sent a message in chat that they were concerned for me and suggested engaging in hobbies and interests as a distraction from my dumb gay tranny problems. They put it more nicely than that, though. This is I guess an attempt at doing that. Recently I switched over from windows 10 to linux. Here's how it's gone so far:
I'm not particularly experienced with linux, but I'm decently familiar with command line in general, and I have used linux plenty of times for certain things but I've never really used it as a daily driver. I used debian for some classes in school, and I like to do dev work in an ubuntu vm bc developing anything on windows is actually fucking hell on earth, but that was only ever really super basic stuff like directory management, installing packages, running programs, etc. Simple stuff.
A while back (I think maybe before I actually started using ubuntu wsl for work) I realized my old chromebook still worked so I got a new charger for it but noticed it was running super slow and security upgrades ended for it. I didn't really give a shit about the security updates bc i didn't have anything on the drive that was important at all, and i wasn't super concerned about getting a virus on the network from a computer i rarely used and was basically dead anyways, but I had nothing else to do so i started looking into seeing if you could install linux on one. And apparently yeah, you can (see docs.chrultrabook.com for detailed info). I got lucky and the model i had just had a write-protect screw so I didn't need to get any new equipment which was nice. Anyways I followed the instructions in the chrultrabook docs and installed custom firmware which allowed me to then flash an OS onto the system and overwrite chromeOS. Again, I had nothing better to do so I installed arch.
The process of installing arch was tedious, and annoying, and very time consuming, but in the end i got everything set up right, and it was pretty nice actually. I riced up my setup a little too, and things were running faster than they were previously. Still not exactly fast though. It's an old laptop with 4 gb of ram and an old, probably dusty cpu, so it's obviously not gonna end up being too fast, and the fact I installed it with KDE wasn't helping bc of how low-speced my machine was. I didn't really use it for like a month and then i figured I should probably update it (horrible mistake) broke everything, and then decided instead of bothering with fixing arch i'd just install a new OS instead. So I decided to install Ultramarine.
I hate ultramarine. It's great in theory. Like fedora, but with everything preconfigured to work real nice. Fantastic. Great. Not a rolling release distro like arch so you're less likely for a temporary lack of maintenance to break everything. Awesome. Ultramarine Linux has literally never worked for me. It worked for like a day and then decided to shit itself. After that, I tried out Pop!_OS for like a hot second but the screen rendered upside-down so i decided to install OpenSUSE instead.
It's occurring to me now that these operating systems sound like they're just being picked willy-nilly. The reason I was following this weird list was because the chrultrabook docs recommend these distros over others.
Anyways, OpenSUSE Tumbleweed. I actually really like tumbleweed. It's a rolling release distro but it's not quite as bleeding edge as arch so things get tested more before release. It's really lightweight but user-friendly enough for someone who's not an expert, like me, and it has the open build repository which is like the arch user repositoryso it basically has all of the advantages with fewer of the disadvantages that matter to me. Also it's super easy to roll back, and ik you can do the same shit with arch but i'm literally stupid and openSUSE is easy and i'm stupid and i think brownies from a box are maybe just better sometimes and that's okay. That reminds me, I've been getting into baking recently and maybe I should talk about that in a separate post, but whatever that's besides the point. I still have tumbleweed installed on my laptop and I like it well enough. It does everything I need it to. Though now i use GNOME instead of KDE as a DE (desktop environment, forgot to define that term earlier) which is more mac-like which is fine but it's more lightweight which is good for an old laptop i don't use that much except to browse the internet.
I also previously installed EndeavourOS as a dual boot on my desktop PC. It was fine until I tried to test if I installed the nvidia drivers right (bc i'm a chud and I have an nvidia graphics card) and I guess I must've not bc I tried opening Disco Elysium and it got stuck loading forever and I had to manually reboot my pc and decided I didn't care enough to get rid of windows yet and just went back to win10.
Recently Microsoft put into action the end of security updates for windows 10. My computer was built in like 2016 so it lacks a tpu module that would enable it to upgrade to windows 11. I could easily bypass this and be fine, but "upgrading" to windows 11 with all its fucking copilot shit sounded so fucking infuriating that I decided to just switch to linux. Right now I'm dual booting still in case I need any data on my win10 partition, and even then I don't have to fully commit until a year from now because they have extended security updates for windows 10 users so the real end of life is october 2026, but I figured I'd get used to it now because I really really really really really don't want to """upgrade""" to windows 11. I know people who use win11 and every time i try and help them troubleshoot anything I just get fucking pissed off because it truly is just win10 but worse in every conceivable way and i already fucking hate win10.
Anyways I decided to try out Bazzite which is an atomic distribution of linux based on UniversalBlue/Fedora. That's a lot of words to say basically, it's babyproof. Atomic distros are distributions of linux where there are certain things that you can't change, making it easier to roll back to a previous version if you accidentally manage to break something, and making it easier to update without stressing about something breaking. That all sounded great to me bc like, I really just want my computer to work at the end of the day. I don't need it to do anything fancy, just run git, godot, krita, steam, and firefox and I'll be fine. Bazzite sounded great because it also has automatic nvidia drivers installed and stuff and a bunch of tweaks with proton and stuff so if you want to play a game it'll generally just work. And in my experience so far, it has with minimal configuration. Though if you have an NVIDIA GPU it's not at the point yet where I would recommend switching. If you have an AMD it's a-ok tho, and honestly will probably run your shit better than windows since AMD's drivers are open-source instead of proprietary like NVIDIA so there's a lot more support for AMD drivers on linux. Also bazzite comes pre-installed with distrobox, so if you really need to do something you normally couldn't on an atomic distro, then you can just use an integrated virtual machine to do it anyways. It gave me a little bit of a headache at the beginning, but it works perfect now, so I can work on the same environment I worked on when I daily drove windows (an ubuntu vm lol), but the integration makes it easier to connect external devices for debugging as well so it's really nice actually. But right, problems with NVIDIA. Bazzite only uses Wayland (which is basically a protocol for displaying graphics on-screen) as opposed to X11. X11 afaik (and i barely have looked into any of this) is made by windows, whereas wayland is a purely linux thing. For the purposes of NVIDIA GPUs, this means wayland is a little bit less supported and so there can sometimes be weird little graphical glitches:
That's basically it. Also with NVIDIA it on average runs games a little slower than win10 but my monitor can only display a max of 60fps anyways so like, i don't really care. If I was the kind of person who cared about perfect smoothness I wouldn't be using a PC from 2016. But games all still run. I can play 2077 and get really agp about panam and meta about river, and I can run tabletop sim to pursue my other malebrained interests. So overall, I like bazzite, but I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, though it's definitely getting there, compared to most other distros I've tried.
chat, is making a neocities website malebrained or fembrained
this is a blog i made because i have no community :)
i have no irl friends, i know very few other trans people, and the ones i do i can't relate to at all. They're all entirely normal with interests and friends and a life ahead of them and they go to school or they have real jobs and they don't seem like the simple fact of being a tranny upsets them very much if at all.
recently i went to a support group. it was the only one of two i could find, and it was over zoom (because of course it was). i didn't talk at all and just listened to these people talk about their problems and they seemed like normal people and they were even proud of being trans. "Trans people are strong as fuck" and all that. I don't think that's true in my case. I don't think I'm particularly strong at all, and I think the only reason I haven't roped is because i lucked out and ended up with good parents and a few good friends (online friends) early on. Also all of these people seemed to be in the very early stages of transitioning to the point where their struggles seemed almost entirely foreign to me. What do you say to someone who's pre-everything? I don't know anymore.
Maybe that's telling of the kind of person I am more than anything else. Like I'm so deeply unempathetic that the mere notion of relating to someone I'm not in the exact same position as is alien to the point where i literally don't know what to say. I'm also incredibly judgemental. Anytime i see someone i think looks clocky, that's my first thought, and my second and third as well. I see them as clocky, I identify what the problem is, and then what they could do about it (if anything). I genuinely hate that I'm like this and I don't know how to change. I tried going to therapy but every time i tried to tell my therapist even that i am trans and that it disgusts me, i felt physically sick to the point of a complete inability to communicate. And this group therapy support group thing, I can't talk about this shit either because literally just expressing that shit is like a cognitohazard and it's irresponsible of me to suggest that it doesn't actually get better and that if anything it gets worse. But even that's just me fucking larping. I'm so fucking agamp that i make myself suffer on purpose and i trick myself into thinking my life is worse than it is so i can pretend i'm a real tranny.I fucking hate myself so fucking much. I hate all trannies, most of all myself. I want to be different but I literally don't know how and anytime I've expressed this in the past it's alienated whoever i told it to to the point where they stop talking to me.
This is sort of my last shot, I guess. Just screaming into the void in the narcissistic hope that someone will see this and feel bad enough reading it that they send me a message for me to get disgustingly parasocial about.